Top 5 Moments You Became a Man/Woman!

Today, we are going to try something new here at the Top 5. For the first time since this site started, I will not be writing a list. Instead, two different writers wrote about the same topic, and since they are so similar, I am putting them together.

Today, there will be a list about the top 5 moments a woman became a woman by Kyla Morris. She is the third gal from the Once A Month blog that has written for this site. I met Kyla back in college and shared many of my classes with her. We have both since moved out to LA and are pursuing careers in TV. You can find her blog here: http://onceamonth4ladies.com/

My mother is responsible for teaching me that ladies always come first, so Kyla’s list is up:

1.   #1  Period. That’s right and pretty obvious. The first time you take down your panties and you realize you are bleeding from a place you never have before. Some of us were terrified, others completely okay with it and went about their day as normal. I think for me my mom was more excited then I was. I’m pretty sure I had a nice size ring around my butt from sitting on the toilet so long because when my “friend” came to visit… Mom had me sit on the toilet as she told me about the…birds….and the bees, for hours.

2.     #2 Hello Boobies! Remember the scene from Now & Then when Teeny fills her water balloons with pudding to have some boobs?  Yup, no need for the Kleenex, water balloons, fake fruit, real fruit, socks, baseballs, softballs, or anything else round. You’ve got a pair of your own and now are forced to strap them in while in public for the rest of your life! Yippee!!! Boobs. #2.

Did Caprica 6 have to grow those or was she built with them?

3.   #3  Hairy legs no more! For awhile as a youngster every little girl has to bear a little hair on her legs until she’s given the golden opportunity to shave it all off! As a kiddo I used to pretend to shave. I had a comb and shaving cream and would go about my business in the bathtub fake shaving along. As a grown woman, we are bound by the razor. Too sharp get ready to bleed. To dull get ready for some razor burn. Watch for the knees and don’t get too close to the ankles. Ever try shaving in a stand up shower? Yeah-nice try commercials — it doesn’t work that easily or elegantly.

Shaving legs

4.     #4 Kiss. The first one – -(Not the chicken peck behind the curly slide in elementary school.) From my gal pals and mine experiences; it’s never the best one. No fireworks, promise. It’s awkward, there’s spit, and silky tongue action involved. Some people go to fast while others go too slow. Some people think making it out is just tiny peck kisses all together. Others jack hammer their tongue in your mouth so fast you want to stop and punch them in the face. No one knows how to do it the first time around, but it’s still obviously a sign that you’re turning in to a lady when you catch the first one!

This magic moment…

5.     #5 Older boys hit on you… and it may be in the creepy way – or a not so creepy way (is there such a thing if their 15 years older and you’re 14? The answer is yes). Some guys can’t gauge age- at all. I was in the 7th grade and my friend had a birthday party. This tall guy, a little shadow of facial hair (not because he shaved but because he couldn’t grow much facial hair) asked me to slow dance to “My Heart Will Go On”. He was older, much older, high school at the time (not exactly 15 years older, but still…) While we were arms length apart and his hands barely rested on my hips, he asked what grade I was in… to his surprise I will still taking math with Mr. What’s-his-name in middle school. This was an automatic “oh… oops” moment. And I proceeded to get a little creeped out that he could drive a car and I barely had my period.

Awesome Kyla. Way to represent the women out there! Now for the men. The top 5 list provided by friend of the site Sam Mark:

Sam has written for this site before. He wrote about his favorite NFL players not on his favorite team. He is a funny guy and has prepared a wonderfully true and honest list with a dash of hysterically funny moments. He has a blog that he writes for and his dad illustrates that you can find here: http://likefatherlikesoncomics.wordpress.com/

I thought this idea was funny, so I wanted to try to make it legit, while also comical;

1. First Hair On Body

Up until this point, the male species had been smoother than a hard boiled egg.  It’s until that one day where you look at yourself in the mirror, naked, and say, “Woa. What the hell is that? Is that… A HAIR!?”  Suddenly, that one hair means you’re tapping back into your neanderthal roots of clubbing dinosaurs with your mitts.*  The old idiom of doing something will “put hair on your chest” has always been synonymous with becoming a man.  Granted, the hair could be anywhere, it’s the beginning of something more grandiose.  It’s life’s small bar mitzvah.  That ONE hair suddenly has inspired an entire belief system of manliness.  Even if you think yourself the lowest of the low, no potential to be a man, that one hair is life’s most encouraging pubescent moment.  You were a boy yesterday, but this hair sprouted and saluted you saying, “From this day forward, you are a man.”

2. Losing Your Virginity

We live in a world where sex is everywhere.  It may not be full out porn at every corner, but our society LOVES to push sex on us, because it stirs so many feelings and emotions within us.    Our “sexy” society aside, we may have (a) hair on our body, but the idea of sex is incredibly powerful for a virgin male.  I won’t refute that women don’t ALSO have the same desire as virgins, but JUST LET ME FINISH.

I was a big fan of Tex Avery and Looney Tunes growing up.  I always thought my friends and I acted like those cartoon characters, with their tongues out and steam shooting out of our ears, when ever we were sexually attracted to somebody.  Not to mention, the junior high/high school locker rooms are more foul than any rated R movie I’ve ever seen.  Initially, sex for men, is this ideology that we’re conquering our sexual partner.  “I’m so gonna fuck ____.”  “____’s so easy, it’ll be no sweat boning ____.”  “I’ma gonna get me some-a that ASS.” (I’m pretty sure people said these things)  But, in all honesty, we say these things, because we’re incredibly terrified.  We need to stroke our egos, because we’re ashamed and tired of how often we stroke something else.

The whole process of sex with someone is so complicated, which makes it no surprise why there are over a million books on sex alone.**  Our instinctual mentality is, “Deposit seed. NEXT!”  But, we’re obviously advanced creatures, we live in a society with rules, and can’t simply act on our primal desires without being charged for sexual crimes.  Part of this process in becoming a man, is accepting and being incredibly overjoyed with the idea that, “My God. This person WANTS to have sex with ME. ME.”  So, whatever happens to put you in the right mood, the big moment comes (no pun intended).  Suddenly, you’re not sure what is happening.  You’re judging yourself and your partner immediately: “Wait, is it supposed to feel like this? Why aren’t they doing this?  Why aren’t I doing that?  Should we have talked about this?  Damnit, and I missed that Rambo marathon.  Well, it might be on later.  What am I doing later? Will I still be here trying to figure out what the hell I’m–” And then it’s over.  You’re no longer a virgin.  You settle down next to your partner, look at them in the eyes, and believe everything in the world is possible.  We just DID that. I am a MAN!

40 Year-Old Virgin

3.  Win Competitively at Anything.

Men are a competing breed.  Male Big Horn Sheep develop horns so they can run at each other, up to 20 miles an hour, to butt heads with another male, all to just establish dominance.***  That’s commitment.  Men will always seek something to establish dominance over another.  Take me.  I once built a castle made entirely of cardboard bricks back in kindergarten.  Nick Paulson knocked it over, so I did what any 6-year-old would do: bit his arm.  Did I get escorted to the nurse’s office with Nick Paulson, where the nurse told me, “If you had broken the skin, I wouldn’t have been able to treat this,” and then have to call my parents and told them I bit another kid?  Yes.  But, did Nick Paulson ever bother me when I had my hands on some cardboard bricks? You damn well better believe he didn’t.  Granted, it was a shaming moment in my life and don’t condone violence, but I think instinctively, it was my first bout establishing dominance.

It wasn’t a coincidence that my parents signed me up for soccer shortly afterwards.  I was tall and big for my age group, so I dribbled that soccer ball like I was a tank driving through a My Little Pony tea party.  That was all the way until 7th grade, when everyone around me was faster, more agile, and skillful than me.  My competitive edge was lost.  Enter, football.  Played it from 8th grade to 22 years old, and I felt like a man every time I tackled somebody, made a huge block, or made a catch (I’m 3/4 in my passing career, with about 80 yards.)  Even that parenthetical is an attempt to prove to you, I’m better than you.  But, it doesn’t have to be sports related.

Wit, in my opinion, is the ultimate pinnacle of winning competitively.  You could be stronger, bigger, more handsome than me.  But, the sharpness of wit is a powerful weapon in competing.  Gladiators fought to the death with sword and shield.  My friends and I move plastic pieces on cardboard maps, fighting for strategic dominance over one another.  This is an instinctual part of man that when you realize you’re good at something, you want those around you to know it.

That, folks, is not just a participation trophy.

4.  Having your first beer.

I blame advertising for this one.  The sensationalism of beer has sky rocketed over the past 20 years.  That’s not a bad thing, per say, but I still have “AND THE TWIIIIIIIIINS” stuck in my head.  But, it’s hard not to be part of a social gathering without beer being present.  Maybe that’s the effect of the advertising, but it all comes down to your first beer.

You’re surrounded by propaganda about how beer will make your social life amazing, but if you have too much of it, you’ll be on a M.A.D.D. poster, resembling smashed spaghetti.  There’s definitely a thrill, but fear about your first beer.  I, admittedly, tasted beer at an early age and remember thinking, “This is disgusting.”  But, I think during later years of high school or the start of college, I had my first beer.  A Grain Belt Premium.  It’s a Minnesota beer, coined “the beer of exceptional quality” and “the Friendly Beer.”  I believe I had gotten together with friends for poker and took a sip from the glass bottle.  And it tasted like golden joy.  Perhaps it was the collection of hairs on my chest that made it taste so good.  Or perhaps, it was the feeling that, “Hell, I’m drinking a beer.  I’m a GOD DAMN MAN.”

“How much is that Grainbelt?!”
“$9.50”
“Jeez, why dont you just punch me in my face” – Cousin CJ at Target Field

5.  Defending Your Beliefs

A man is only good as his word.  If his word is a shaky, hesitated, squeak… well, that’s very telling of who the man is to the world.  The moment you stand up for someone, speak your mind with confidence and bravado, or simply act in the name of justice, these are defining moments of becoming a man.  I, unfortunately, didn’t have very epic “defend your belief” moments growing up in the midwest as a white male.  Surprising, right?  But, in college, a friend of mine and I were at a video game tournament.  I’m a nerd and I will defend that to my death.  But, my friend was playing another guy at the tournament, when suddenly his character died and he replied, “God, that level just Jew-ed me.”

Now, in case you don’t know, I am not Jewish.  But, my girlfriend is, so I couldn’t just not defend her honor AND my belief in equality.  I piped in.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

“That level.  It totally Jew-ed me.”

I’d like to say I spun his bean bag chair around, grabbed him by the collar, put his nose up against mine and said, “NOT IN MY TOWN,” then defenestrated him (look it up).  What I did say was,

“Well, I’m Jewish.”

I was still looking at the back of this guy’s head, but I could tell that all the blood from his face drained.

“You are?” he squeaked.

“Yeah,” I retorted, “what you said was really offensive.”

He collapsed in apologies and ultimately, was so rocked by the experience, my friend ended up beating him and advancing in the tournament.  While both of us didn’t win anything in the video game tournament, I considered that experience a victory in my being a man.

Who held the controller like that?!

*(Don’t you dare fight me on this historically inaccurate statement.)

** (I’m sure this is true. I just didn’t want to actually find out if it was true.)

*** (This is true.  I looked it up.  Very interesting stuff.)

What are your top 5 coming of age moments? Write them down in our comments!

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4 Comments

  1. At my high school graduation ceremony my dad looked me in the eyes and said “Never look a man in the eyes unless you intend to kill him”

    That’s when I became a man

    Reply
  2. Reblogged this on Once a Month and commented:
    Our friend Jeff runs a blog (thetop5five)…. today, Kyla wrote up the Top 5 Moments You Became a Woman! Check out what she wrote, and what our friend Sam said about becoming a Man!

    Reply
  3. After watching Cool Runnings, I looked into my bathroom mirror and yelled “I see pride! I see power! I see one bad ass mudda who don’t take no crap off of nobody!” Years later, I became a man.

    Reply
  1. Top 5 Moments You Realized… I’m a Woman! « Once a Month

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