The Five People That Are in Your Fantasy Football Draft!

Everyone that has ever drafted a Fantasy Football team knows there are certain archetypes that people fall into in that draft. If you have ever been a commissioner of a league, you will relate, perhaps, even more to this league. So here are five people that are in almost every single draft:

1. The Jerk – This is the asshole that is involved in every single pick. He will berate you for your picks. “Whoa, dude, that will cost you your entire season,” and “Well, you should hand me the championship now,” are very common lines. This is the guy that will draft your running backs handcuff in the 4th round just to piss you off. He is also the guy that will look at his phone during the draft and say “WHOA! Listen to this! Darren McFadden just tore his ACL in practice and is out for the season!!” and waits for the guy who just took him 8th overall to turn pale white and then the Jerk yells, “PSYCHE!! HAHAHAHAHA! I got you good bro!” Good thing this guy rarely wins the league. This is also the guy that blows up the message boards every day talking about how he is going to crush this league. Then he gets blown out by 60 points and said it was because his kicker didn’t get any opportunities.

2. The Stat Geek – This is the guy that has the charts, graphs, spread sheets, quantitative analysis, insider guides and no social life. He has been preparing for this draft the second last years draft was over. He has been scouting game film from re-runs on NFL network and always pulls out obscure stats on draft day…”You want Roddy White because he was targeted between the 20’s more often than any other WR on the road in the 4th quarter,” is something this guy might say. He is also the guy that takes all 5 minutes on the draft clock to make his damn pick. I mean he has been doing mock drafts every hour for the past six weeks because he doesn’t have a life, yet he is still crunching numbers down to the last second…MAKE THE PICK!!! NERD!! You are scoping out your freakin’ back up tight end, you don’t need your damn full 5 minutes! This guy also never makes any comments on the message boards. He is silent. He won’t share any of his data at all. The worst part is this guy tends to win the league more times than not because he is the first to make moves on the waiver wire.

3. No Money Guy – If you have ever been a commissioner of a league, you know this turd. This is the guy that shows up to the draft with a fresh 30 pack of Miller Lite cans and when asked for his buy in says, “I don’t got the money, but it’s cool…just take it out of my winnings.” PLEASE! Yea, no worries, this league will just float you your buy in so you can play. And then what happens when you draft Pierre Thomas in the 3rd round because you have had one too many of those Miller Lites (which cost the same as your buy in) and you no longer want to pay up because your team stinks? No buy in guy is the worst!

4. Homer – Homer is not the guy that wrote the Illiad or the father from the Simpsons, Homer is the guy that picks only the players from his team. He is the guy that shows up in a jersey, won’t draft people from divisional rivals, and will reach for anyone on his team. “Mike Vick, McCoy, Maclin and DJax area already on my team…well, I still need a TE. I may as well draft Brent Celek.” “Oh shit, whew, I thought I was about to miss out on David Akers in the 5th round…thank god he was still there!” This guy doesn’t care about the game of fantasy football, he just cares about collecting the players he knows from the one team he watches…Even if that team is the Dolphins. He would rather have Devon Bess than Wes Welker anyway. He drafts his fantasy team like he is the real GM of his favorite real life team. “Well, it would be stupid for me to not take Andrew Luck first overall because that is where he went in the real draft…” He is the type of guy that will make a terrible post on a message board and then sign it “Go Cardinals!”. Get out of here.

(Note: There is a major difference between Homer and, say, a Saints fan drafting Drew Brees. One is rational, the other has more of this next guy in him.)

5. The Winger – This is the guy that knows absolutely nothing at all and just showed up to the draft because his buddy needed one more team to make an even 12. This is the guy that sits next to you and looks at your spreadsheet that you put time into and asks questions like “Yo bro, do you think this Peyton Manning guy is any good?” or “I was thinking of going with this Steve Smith guy, what do you think?” This guy put no effort into knowing anything and when it is his turn to draft, usually somewhere in the 4th round, he will try to take Aaron Rodgers and the draft flow comes to a screeching halt and you have to explain that not only was Aaron Rodgers taken 5th overall but he was taken BY YOU! The Winger almost always drafts people that are always taken. If you ever enter a draft, make sure to avoid sitting next to the winger. This is also the guy that will still yell, “Championship!” after every pick he makes.


What are the archetypes you hate the most in Fantasy Football draft rooms? What are some that I missed?

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  1. From the look of the draft board, that picture has been around since the invention of the internet…

  1. The Five People That Are in Your Fantasy League! « thetop5five

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