Randy Moss Jokes Around With a Fan!

A Trip Down Memory Lane!

 

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Read more at The Chive.

Futile Fantasy Football Week 8!

Meet Samantha Steele. This is Christian Ponder’s girlfriend. She is also an ESPN reporter. Basically, Christian probably is never too unhappy with a loss…Pick him this week.

It has felt like forever, but we are finally back with week 8! I personally won over thanksgiving with a flawless victory…picking the best team possible. This week, I look to make it two in row. Think you can stop me? Let’s get to the players and rules:

PLEASE MAKE SURE TO CHECK THE AVAILABLE PLAYERS THIS WEEK! I have started to take out players to make it much more difficult. If there not a player in a space (for instance, Pittsburgh QB is currently blank), that means no one from that team can be picked. Some teams also have only one WR to choose from now. So make sure you look. If you choose an illegal player, you will get an automatic 15 points…and that will about seal your loss. Here is the list of players: WORST FOOTBALL TEAM WEEK 8

Here is a real quick breakdown of the rules: remember, you are trying to pick THE WORST team points wise, so cheer for futility.

Who ever has THE LOWEST score wins. So really, we are playing golf. So pick a four pack of bums and get in the game! Here are the rules for a quick refresher.

-Each team will be comprised of one QB, RB, WR and TE. The game is meant to be simple. Pick one of each.

-Each player picked for each position must be a STARTER and must be PLAYING that week. (For instance, you may not pick Matt Cassel because he is hurt, but you may pick Brady Quinn.)

-Your RB slot has to be filled with the first string (and starting) RB from a team. You may not use full backs or H backs.

-Each NFL team in real life has two WR’s that start. You may pick either of them as long as they are playing that week. So, you may pick either Desean Jackson or Jeremy Maclin on the Eagles as your WR if you wanted.

-Use the official team Depth Chart to determine starting status. Other team owners may challenge a pick.

-Scoring is standard scoring. All touchdowns count as 6 points (including passing TD’s). 25 throwing yards equals 1 point. 10 yards rushing and receiving equals 1 point. -2 for fumbles and INT’s.

-No decimal point scoring.

-No Monday night players. The reason for this is we will be able to get some instant gratification Sunday night. I will post the winners then.

Bryce Brown was anything but Futile last week…anyone have the guts to take him this week though?

Here is the available players you can choose from one more time: WORST FOOTBALL TEAM WEEK 8

So, here is my team: QB – Jay Cutler, RB – Stephen Jackson, WR – Jeremy Maclin, TE – Tony Moeiaki

Leave your team down in the comments and check back Sunday night for the results! Good luck losers.

6 Horrible Truths About Super Mario Bros

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From Dorkly.com

The original Super Mario Bros. for the NES is something of a Rosetta Stone for adventure games, informing virtually everything that followed it. It’s a simple tale of an underdog hero overcoming impossible odds to rescue a damsel in distress from an evil monster. Pretty simple, right? Wrong. It’s a tale of corruption, genocide, greed, and overflowing sewage. And Mario’s the bad guy. These are the horrible truths about Super Mario Bros.

Mario Kills Countless Enemies – Who Aren’t Even Trying To Hurt Him

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Let’s say you’re a Goomba – you don’t exactly have the best life: you’re short, you’re weak, anyone who touches you dies, and you’re named after an ethnic slur. Luckily, all you want to do with your time is peacefully walk across the world. You never target anyone, you mean no harm to a single soul – you’re actually a peaceful, benevolent creature (who happens to look like the kingdom’s primary food source). Hell, you don’t even have any arms.

Suddenly – you get smashed. You’re dead. Wha – What? Why? Who? Well, confused dead Goomba – an Italian plumber just crushed you to death for no goddamn reason. He jumped on your skull and flattened you because he felt like it. You were never trying to do anything to him, but because you dared to walk in his general direction, he ended your existence.

Mario is a violent nutjob. Very few of the enemies in Super Mario Bros. are actually trying to kill him. Sure, there’s the Piranha Plants, the Thwomps, and maybe even the Hammer Bros., but the vast majority of the enemies Mario kills are just out for a walk: Koopas, Goombas, even Bullet Bills are essentially innocent creatures that can’t control when or how they’re launched. So why does Mario do this?

Because they were in his way. That’s some Dexter-level thinking right there.

Mario is a Terrible, Negligent, Crooked Plumber

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What do we know about Mario? Quite a lot, actually. He used to be a carpenter named Jumpman, but then changed his name to Mario and became a plumber. A shitty plumber. Maybe the worst plumber in a generation. How do we know this? Look at the world around you.

There are pipes everywhere in Super Mario Bros. Giant, worthless pipes. Some go nowhere. Some have fire-spewing plants living in them. Some traverse worlds – some just go directly into the ocean. They do all sorts of things – but none of the things pipes are actually meant to do. The sewage situation in the Mushroom Kingdom has got to be an absolute nightmare.

So how did the world’s worst plumber land the biggest plumbing gig ever, given he clearly has no idea what he’s doing? Well, it sure does help that you’re dating the scion of the royal family. He probably used some cheesy line like “We both know I’m great at layin’ pipe” or something, then convinced her to let him take care of the plumbing for the entire kingdom. Now there’s a sanitation disaster that would require years of clean-up and a complete overhaul of the kingdom’s insane excuse for a plumbing system, and it’s going to cost them a fortune to fix.

Speaking of…

Mario Is Bankrupting the Entire Kingdom

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We’ve established Mario’s looking for an easy buck and doesn’t give a damn who he screws over, and also he’s got a hell of an in with the royals that makes him virtually bulletproof. So what more could he do to ruin this poor kingdom? Oh, I dunno, maybe ROB IT BLIND?

Why the entire wealth of the nation is jammed in bricks and floating around creepy dungeons is unknown. Maybe Koopa tried to hide some of it in bricks, assuming no one would be crazy enough to go around punching them all. Maybe some of them were left in the castles because the Toadstool family were like Scrooge McDuck and liked rubbing up against gold coins wherever they went. It doesn’t matter. What matters is Mario collects all of the gold for himself and shows no intention of ever giving it back.

How do we know he’s not giving it back? Well, every time Mario gets 100 of them, he gets another life. There are a few possibilities as to what this actually means, but there is a likely one: Mario is buying his immortality from some sort of omnipotent being, who laughs in the face of the natural order of life and death. Mario is literally trading the wealth of a kingdom for additional “lives” that make him effectively immortal, so long as he continues bankrupting the kingdom he’s supposedly out to protect.

Mario is Supporting an Evil Monarchy

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Let’s make this clear: there is really no good option for the Mushroom Kingdom. They’re either being ruled by the Toadstool family or by self-proclaimed “King” Koopa. Both of their options are an oppressive monarchy. Really – no one’s up for democracy at all. So – it shouldn’t really matter that Mario’s trying to re-instate one ruling monarchic family over another, right?

Wrong. The Toadstools are the evil ones. Hear me out: all we know about Koopa is that he very recently took over the kingdom – so recently that it’s very unlikely he was able to build any castles himself. So – what we’re left with is the reality that – in all likelihood – it was the Princess’ family who built those lava-filled, nightmare castles. It would also explain how secret pipes were installed in all of them, seemingly without Koopa’s knowledge, and why Koopa stands atop a bridge that can be instantly destroyed simply by touching an axe. If Koopa had built these castles, odds are he wouldn’t have made his favorite bridges instant deathtraps.

Beyond that – Koopa has the will of the people behind him. His supporters number in the thousands! The people supporting the Princess includes two destructive, piss-poor plumbers and some mushroom-headed weirdos who hang out in horror-castles.

Mario is an Insane Murderer and Princess Toadstool Couldn’t Care Less About Her Subjects

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“But wait!” you argue. “There are people who support the Princess! But they were turned into brick blocks by the evil Koopa!”

First off, don’t argue at your computer screen. It will not respond to you. These are pre-written words, dude. You’re weirding out everyone in the computer lab.

Second, good point, hypothetical reader! There were untold numbers of denizens turned to brick, at least according to the game’s manual, which is a fun weird horrible fact that has become more popular and well-known in these modern internet times of ours. So maybe the noble Toadstool family was looking out for the best interests of the people, but that crooked Koopa got in the way of their benevolent love for the commoners.

Except not at all. For one, Mario destroys everything he possibly can, mostly those bricks. He’s rewarded for it. He does it for points, for coins, and sometimes to kill Koopas and Goombas unlucky enough to find themselves beneath the bricks Mario has targeted. So – Mario pretty much murders the entire population of the kingdom, while at the same time tries to save the oppressive monarchy by crushing as many animals as he can find. Great.

But the best thing of all: reinstating the Princess does nothing, since the bricks continued appearing in Mario games to this day. By now, Mario would have to be aware of the bricks’ true nature, but he doesn’t care. And the Princess certainly doesn’t care enough to bring them back to life either – according to the game’s manual, only she has the power to bring the people back, but she never actually does. In fact, the only transformed people anyone ever really changes back to normal form are the kings of each world in Super Mario Bros. 3, while the regular people are left to be destroyed by a chunky plumber in a frog suit.

What a surprise.

*And beyond this, the entire theory must come to question – if Koopa really had the ability to turn people into bricks, why wouldn’t he have done the same to Mario, instead of jump around and shoot ineffective fireballs at him? Why wouldn’t he have done it to the Princess, instead of letting her sit around behind him? This seems like an incredible power to just waste on everyone except the people trying to murder you and your entire army.

It’s All a Game To the “Heroes”

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So – Princess Toadstool is a probably oppressive monarch who doesn’t care enough to bring any of her subjects back to life even though it’s well within her power to do so and has had some part in constructing the most horrible castles known to man and gave a sweet plumbing gig to her idiot boyfriend and ruined the sewage system for the now-bankrupt kingdom forever. That’s the starting point of why the Princess is equally messed up and evil, but here’s the rest.

Princess Toadstool is barely captured. She’s not tied down, trapped, or otherwise being put in any position to stay where King Koopa tells her to. She’s standing behind Koopa, waiting for someone to come by, leaving her with three options:

  • Sneak up behind Koopa, touch the axe, and murder her supposed kidnapper, freeing herself and the kingdom.
  • If she can’t climb or jump the wall to get to that position, she can still walk out the back door. Every castle has a back door, as Mario demonstrates at the end of every previous level, after being told by Toad that the Princess is in another castle (and speaking of Toad(s), all of this applies to him(them) too).
  • Stand there like a doofus for hours until your dumb boyfriend curbstomps his way back to you. (WINNER!)

So – there’s no reason for Mario to have to go through all this crap to get to the Princess. She just doesn’t feel like moving at all, leading to a kingdom-wide genocide. Then to add insult to injury, she gives you a half-hearted “thanks” and orders you to start a new quest. In fact, this all seems like it was an elaborate game for her and Mario – she hung around and let everything turn to shit just to see if Mario could actually get to her. Everyone else were just pawns, there for her amusement.

So in the end – Mario, the shitty greedy serial killer plumber, starts over, doing the same thing he just did. Princess Toadstool will be reinstated to continue ruling over a bunch of bricks she couldn’t give two shits about from her terrible lava castles. Untold numbers of innocents are dead. The economy has collapsed. The kingdom is in ruins…

And, maybe worst of all, flushing a toilet still won’t do anything.

Boozin’ Review!

Perhaps not the same as this awesome show (created by a friend of this site) that we totally need to bring back, but a review on our nations boozin’ habits. Good look Wisconsin!

Hooray For Utah!

Product Placement in Middle Earth!

Lord of the Product Placement