Chris Kluwe Breaks Down a Street Brawl in Hollywood!

Deadspin.com brings us Tuesday Night Fights, which I guess is a collection of Youtube videos of people street fighting. Anyway, Kluwe breaks down a fight in this weeks edition. Check the full link and video here. That it takes place in Hollywood and is fairly close to where I live and work, this is not a surprise to me at all, but it is rather shocking that I have only ever seen one of these street brawls happen in my life. I feel like there should be way more. Anyway, the article that Kluwe writes is included below:

So, for whatever reason, I’ve been asked to comment on another shining example of humanity treating each other with kindness and respect. Sadly, that fell through, and this is about Tuesday Night Fights.

This one opens up with a standard Hollywood nightlife shot, although I have to wonder at the creep factor of randomly filming people from your apartment window. I think that violates some sort of rental agreement, unless you’re in Venice Beach.

Anyways, there’s some people hanging out in front of a newspaper store (they still sell those?) when all of a sudden BAM. EPIC BITCH SLAP. The guy delivering this ferocious blow has what I believe to be a mohawk mullet, or momlet, which naturally enrages his victim so much that he makes the internationally recognized symbol for a dance battle – rolling his hands in front of his abdomen while swaying back and forth.

A local harlot has no interest in the dance battle, however, and she engages in some light pushing with the Lord of the Dance, drawing the concern of a wandering bystander. Wandering Bystander takes possibly the most unathletic fall I’ve ever seen (bear in mind I’ve watched game film of myself) before getting back up and realizing he has episodes of Xena he could be watching at home.

Meanwhile, Lord of the Dance is now running down the street after Momlet, and I have to say, the view from the filmer’s window is quite expansive. I feel like the entire wall must be floor to ceiling plate glass windows, perhaps with ornate scrollwork along the upper portions, behind which lies an intricate series of folding Japanese rice paper screens. Some have pictures of cranes mid-flight.

Anywho, at this point, Lord of the Dance is being restrained by a rather husky gentleman while Momlet inadvertently teabags Local Harlot. They have a *moment*, and Local Harlot decides to chill on the sidewalk; I can only imagine because it’s cleaner than the inside of her dress. Husky Lad recruits another local passerby and leads Lord of the Dance away to more Xena reruns.

Unfortunately, the thought of Xena awakens Lord of the Dance’s inner warrior princess, and he takes off back down the street to finally bring Momlet to justice in the most epic dance off since Thriller. Sadly, Local Harlot gets involved, and this beautiful expression of modern art devolves into a chaotic melee in front of some poor housewife’s Prius, or maybe it’s a Focus. I’m not really sure. Either way, she’s not getting her groceries unloaded anytime soon.

At this point, it’s basically a mess of random people punching at each other and squabbling on the ground in the middle of a busy intersection; fortunately (I guess) no one gets run over, though a wandering group of brosefs jumps and cheers as they wander past on their way to the nearest Affliction store. I’m pretty sure they get run over in the future.

Eventually it all winds down, and I have to say, I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this – mainly, that whatever they’re selling in that corner store is only 99 cents. I wonder if it’s any good.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

2 Comments

  1. Chris Kluwe Expected to be Cut by Minnesota Vikings! | thetop5five
  2. Outspoken Gay Rights Activist Chris Kluwe Will No Longer Punt Pigskins For The Minnesota Vikings And That Is A Damn Shame: A Fan’s Perspective - The Daily Upper Decker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: