There’s always a lot of grumbling whenever a new generation of Pokemon games come out – primarily that Nintendo is scraping the bottom of the PokeWell and coming out with ridiculously stupid designs for Pokemon, like ice cream cones and ghost swords. But the truth is that Nintendo has always included incredibly dumb Pokemon designs (with some even dumber names), ever since the very beginning. Here are 8 first generation Pokemon that are dumber than anything that came after.
Pitch: “Hey, you know what’s crazy? Computers. What about a computer program Pokemon? Yeah, sure it can exist in the real world, even though it’s explicitly made of virtual polygons.”
Porygon’s an incredibly dumb idea for a Pokemon. It’s literally made of programming code, but it somehow interacts with the physical world. In other words, it makes no sense at all and Nintendo just thought it would be neat to have some kind of Pokemon to take advantage of the “computer” fad that was sweeping the world.
How Lazy Is The Name: It’s like Polygon, but we replaced the L with an R for some reason. Possibly to sound like an incredibly racist impression of a Japanese person? We can only hope.
Pitch: “It’s like…a dinosaur or something. That’s not important. What is important is that it has a huge tongue. Like bigger than a normal tongue would be. Also, it’s always out for some reason. That’s enough to justify an entire Pokemon, right?”
This is why no one should ever listen to KISS and try to design a Pokemon at the same time.
How Lazy Is The Name: Well, it has a big tongue and is named ‘Lickitung.’ It would take a lot of effort to think of something lazier than that.
Pitch: “A fat, sleeping…thing. Maybe a cat? Who cares? The point is, it’s very sleepy and fat.”
The mark of a truly lazy Pokemon design is that it’s doesn’t hold up too well when you begin to question the design. What is Snorlax? A cat? A bear? Nobody really knows (just kidding, I’m sure there is extensive documentation on Snorlax’s exact physiology, because literally every corner of the Pokemon world has been filled in by the internet). But the primary attributes that were given to Snorlax are “Fat” and “Likes To Sleep.” Sound familiar?
THEY TURNED GARFIELD INTO A POKEMON.
How Lazy Is The Name: Snore + Relax = Snorlax! Actually, not bad – it rolls off the tongue nicely and takes some effort to figure out, and at least it isn’t named “Fatsleep” or “Obesetired” or “Garfield The Pokemon But Like Blue Or Something Who Cares.”
Pitch: “Remember that group of eggs that are a single Pokemon? Well they evolve into a palm tree. A walking palm tree. A walking palm tree that’s growing eggs (we’ll call them ‘seeds’ in the Pokedex entry, but c’mon, those are clearly sentient eggs).”
What IS Exeggutor? A walking tree with eggs hanging off it (less eggs than it evolved from, no less)? I don’t know, and neither does Pokemon. Instead of having Exeggcute evolve into a bunch of chickens or something, they realized they needed another grass-type and had it turn into…this thing.
How Lazy Is The Name: The name is actually awesome. As much as you can grumble about a palm tree with eggs, you can’t say this name isn’t cool. Well, you can, but you’d be wrong.
Pitch: “It’s, like, a lady. But she doesn’t have a nose. But she’s pretty much just a person. Also, is blackface still an okay thing?”
Jynx is very close to just being a short, stout lady without a nose (also with some seriously racist-as-hell origins). It’s more or less a person, but has some traits in line with various Nordic and Japanese folklore that saves it from being “a blonde lady who is a Pokemon.” Still, it looks a lot like a blonde lady who is a Pokemon.
How Lazy Is The Name: Jynx isn’t a bad name, and it actually seems pretty prescient on the part of the developers to name the Pokemon after a word that means “bad luck,” given the headaches this Pokemon gave them from people who were anti-racism.
Pitch: “We need some filler Pokemon. Like, something we already have a design for that’s incredibly simple, but with eyes or whatever. Oh, I know – we already have all these Pokeball sprites. Why not just put some eyes on ’em and call it a Pokemon? Hell yeah.”
I would say the odds are pretty good that someone realized that every item was represented as a Pokeball, but it might be good to surprise the player every now and then by having the item turn out to be a Pokemon in disguise. But to make it almost make sense, they decided to have a Pokemon who just happens to look just like a Pokeball. They didn’t bother to think “oh, this is really, really dumb.” I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this Pokemon’s signature move is “kill itself.” Even Voltorb knows it probably shouldn’t exist.
How Lazy Is The Name: The name ‘Voltorb’ is actually pretty good – ‘volt’ as an indicator of its electric-type attribute, and ‘orb’ because it’s a spherical object. Really, it’s half-way decent name is the only thing keeping this thing from the #1 slot.
1. Mr. Mime
Pitch: “I saw a mime once. What if that human being in make-up pretending to be stuck in a box was a Pokemon?”
Mr. Mime is basically a person. Just a regular person. Not an animal, not an inanimate object, not a made-up thing. Nothing implying supernatural powers or abilities that would be useful in battle. A human entertainer. It’s hard to imagine someone at Nintendo hadn’t just seen a mime outside and said “eh, that guy could be a Pokemon.”
How Lazy Is The Name: Here’s the issue – Mr. Mime and Jynx are both very lazily-designed Pokemon. They’re both pretty much “people who are Pokemon for some reason.” But Jynx at least makes an attempt to be something more with the design and ice-type implying connections to some supernatural folklore stuff. Mr. Mime doesn’t do that.
But worst of all – IT’S ACTUALLY NAMED “MISTER MIME.” It would be impossible to think of a lazier name than this, because it even sounds like someone desperately trying to think of a name at the last second and coming up empty. “Mister…Mime?” Hell, even calling him “Mimey” would have been better.
By Andrew Bridgman at Dorkly.com