Comic-Con Survival Guide!

Demo

Dear friends,

A lot has happened in my life the past couple of days…hence the site inactivity. I have accepted a new job, moved to a new city and for awhile was without internet. However, before I left Los Angeles, one of the new projects I was working on was a brand new website with some friends. We called ourselves the “d6 Mafia”. (For any of you that do not know what “d6” means, it is the nerdy short form of referring to a 6 sided die.)

The new website, d6mafia.com will feature a lot more nerdy content, including original articles. I will be contributing over there as well. So please check it out! As most of us over at the site are writers, film people, or actors, we will also be producing short videos and original content. I am so proud to be presenting the first of many videos! The Comic-Con Survival guide! Enjoy!

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Westros (And Essos) As the USA!

Understanding Game of Thrones as an American

 

Kings Landing = Washington, DC

It’s the capitol, it’s full of corrupt people vying for titles, and it’s built on the backs of the poor. Everyone is vying for the Iron Throne and it’s hard to figure out who to root for.

 

Winterfell = Boston, MA

Beautiful in the summer and uninhabitable in the winter. The inhabitants incorrectly think their city is the center of the empire. It is, however, the only real city in its region. (Providence? Really?) The people there are honorable and resilient, and spend much of their time watching sports. Not many black people.

 

The King’s Road = I-95

A highly trafficked route from Winterfell to King’s Landing, the road is littered with inns and merchants. There are also many bandits who live alongside it in dangerous places like New Haven, Newark, and Baltimore.

 

Beyond the Wall = Canada

It’s cold, it’s vast, and it’s terrifying. But the wildlings are a good people once you get to know them. Also it’s governed by a monarch far away who doesn’t actually hold any real power in the people’s minds.

 

Castle Black = Canadian Border Crossing

This is all that separates us from the unknown terror of the great white north. Also it’s manned by a bunch of humorless guys that don’t get laid.

 

The Iron Islands = Pittsburgh, PA

Cold, wet, gray, and nicknamed for metal, this is a place that was once prominent but is now full of working class people and pirates. And the pirates have been horrible for many years.

 

Casterly Rock = New York City

The regional capital (and the financial center of the Empire), it used to be ruled by a different group – until they were tricked into trusting a foreigner. Now it’s ruled by rich people who think they’re better parents than they are.

 

Lannisport = Greenwich, CT

Situated close to the main city, but far enough away that the citizens don’t need to be bothered. Also, it’s full of money and incest.

 

Harrenhal = Chicago, IL

It’s rich, and it’s on the way to most things. But the governing of it seems to be cursed as no one can rule it for long. And it burnt down once.

 

Valyria = Detroit, MI

Due to its fearsome beasts with great abilities to travel, this was once the center of the world and a shining jewel of civilization. But then a cataclysmic event rendered it a smoldering ruin of its former glory. The only thing that endures is a bit of their ancient music. And the secrets of manufacturing things there have long been forgotten.

 

Dorn = Napa Valley, CA

Remote area known for women, wine, and boringness.

 

The Dreadfort = North Dakota

A stronghold of the north but nowhere near as important as the center of the region. And unless you’re from here, living here is torture.

 

Qarth = Savannah, GA

A wealthy port city, the inhabitants think that it’s the greatest city that ever was or will be, and yet no one outside the city cares. Filled with many rich creepy people.

 

The Twins = West Virginia

A location that would be pointless were it not a river crossing en route to other, better places. It’s filled with homely women with the occasional hot one sprinkled in. Also, weddings here can get out of hand.

 

Lys = Atlantic City, NJ

There are two main characteristics: it’s surrounded by rough sea, and it’s known far and wide for its pleasure houses.

 

High Garden = Berkeley, CA

In the far reaches of the realm, it is known as a flowery place with lax sexual attitudes. Also a garden of high.

 

Volantis = Santa Barbara, CA

A rich, old coastal village where the slaves aren’t allowed to ever touch the nobility.

 

Storm’s End = San Francisco, CA

A coastal city with a mighty fortress on the Bay. And it’s gay friendly.

 

Yunkai = Reno, NV

A desert town that is known for its sex slaves and incompetent defenses.

 

Dothrak = Texas

Incorrectly thinks it’s an independent country just because everyone there has weapons. Meanwhile most people who live in the capitol are unaware that this is a place.

 

Vaes Dothrak = Austin, TX

The cultural center of a vast wasteland, where the barbaric activities of the surrounding areas are banned within city walls. Full of people who struck out on their own because they hate their parents.

 

Red Waste = West Texas

Yup.

 

17 People at Comic Conventions!

To all my friends at SDCC, enjoy your weekend!!

17 More People You See At Every Nerd Convention

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After!

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

There’s always a lot of grumbling whenever a new generation of Pokemon games come out – primarily that Nintendo is scraping the bottom of the PokeWell and coming out with ridiculously stupid designs for Pokemon, like ice cream cones and ghost swords. But the truth is that Nintendo has always included incredibly dumb Pokemon designs (with some even dumber names), ever since the very beginning. Here are 8 first generation Pokemon that are dumber than anything that came after.

8. Porygon

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “Hey, you know what’s crazy? Computers. What about a computer program Pokemon? Yeah, sure it can exist in the real world, even though it’s explicitly made of virtual polygons.”

Porygon’s an incredibly dumb idea for a Pokemon. It’s literally made of programming code, but it somehow interacts with the physical world. In other words, it makes no sense at all and Nintendo just thought it would be neat to have some kind of Pokemon to take advantage of the “computer” fad that was sweeping the world.

How Lazy Is The Name: It’s like Polygon, but we replaced the L with an R for some reason. Possibly to sound like an incredibly racist impression of a Japanese person? We can only hope.

7. Lickitung

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “It’s like…a dinosaur or something. That’s not important. What is important is that it has a huge tongue. Like bigger than a normal tongue would be. Also, it’s always out for some reason. That’s enough to justify an entire Pokemon, right?”

This is why no one should ever listen to KISS and try to design a Pokemon at the same time.

How Lazy Is The Name: Well, it has a big tongue and is named ‘Lickitung.’ It would take a lot of effort to think of something lazier than that.

6. Snorlax

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “A fat, sleeping…thing. Maybe a cat? Who cares? The point is, it’s very sleepy and fat.”

The mark of a truly lazy Pokemon design is that it’s doesn’t hold up too well when you begin to question the design. What is Snorlax? A cat? A bear? Nobody really knows (just kidding, I’m sure there is extensive documentation on Snorlax’s exact physiology, because literally every corner of the Pokemon world has been filled in by the internet). But the primary attributes that were given to Snorlax are “Fat” and “Likes To Sleep.” Sound familiar?

THEY TURNED GARFIELD INTO A POKEMON.

How Lazy Is The Name: Snore + Relax = Snorlax! Actually, not bad – it rolls off the tongue nicely and takes some effort to figure out, and at least it isn’t named “Fatsleep” or “Obesetired” or “Garfield The Pokemon But Like Blue Or Something Who Cares.”

5 Magnemite

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

 

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

 

4. Exeggutor

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “Remember that group of eggs that are a single Pokemon? Well they evolve into a palm tree. A walking palm tree. A walking palm tree that’s growing eggs (we’ll call them ‘seeds’ in the Pokedex entry, but c’mon, those are clearly sentient eggs).”

What IS Exeggutor? A walking tree with eggs hanging off it (less eggs than it evolved from, no less)? I don’t know, and neither does Pokemon. Instead of having Exeggcute evolve into a bunch of chickens or something, they realized they needed another grass-type and had it turn into…this thing.

How Lazy Is The Name: The name is actually awesome. As much as you can grumble about a palm tree with eggs, you can’t say this name isn’t cool. Well, you can, but you’d be wrong.

3. Jynx

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “It’s, like, a lady. But she doesn’t have a nose. But she’s pretty much just a person. Also, is blackface still an okay thing?”

Jynx is very close to just being a short, stout lady without a nose (also with some seriously racist-as-hell origins). It’s more or less a person, but has some traits in line with various Nordic and Japanese folklore that saves it from being “a blonde lady who is a Pokemon.” Still, it looks a lot like a blonde lady who is a Pokemon.

How Lazy Is The Name: Jynx isn’t a bad name, and it actually seems pretty prescient on the part of the developers to name the Pokemon after a word that means “bad luck,” given the headaches this Pokemon gave them from people who were anti-racism.

2. Voltorb

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “We need some filler Pokemon. Like, something we already have a design for that’s incredibly simple, but with eyes or whatever. Oh, I know – we already have all these Pokeball sprites. Why not just put some eyes on ’em and call it a Pokemon? Hell yeah.”

I would say the odds are pretty good that someone realized that every item was represented as a Pokeball, but it might be good to surprise the player every now and then by having the item turn out to be a Pokemon in disguise. But to make it almost make sense, they decided to have a Pokemon who just happens to look just like a Pokeball. They didn’t bother to think “oh, this is really, really dumb.” I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this Pokemon’s signature move is “kill itself.” Even Voltorb knows it probably shouldn’t exist.

How Lazy Is The Name: The name ‘Voltorb’ is actually pretty good – ‘volt’ as an indicator of its electric-type attribute, and ‘orb’ because it’s a spherical object. Really, it’s half-way decent name is the only thing keeping this thing from the #1 slot.

Speaking of…

1. Mr. Mime

8 First Generation Pokemon Dumber Than Anything That Came After

Pitch: “I saw a mime once. What if that human being in make-up pretending to be stuck in a box was a Pokemon?”

Mr. Mime is basically a person. Just a regular person. Not an animal, not an inanimate object, not a made-up thing. Nothing implying supernatural powers or abilities that would be useful in battle. A human entertainer. It’s hard to imagine someone at Nintendo hadn’t just seen a mime outside and said “eh, that guy could be a Pokemon.”

How Lazy Is The Name: Here’s the issue – Mr. Mime and Jynx are both very lazily-designed Pokemon. They’re both pretty much “people who are Pokemon for some reason.” But Jynx at least makes an attempt to be something more with the design and ice-type implying connections to some supernatural folklore stuff. Mr. Mime doesn’t do that.

But worst of all – IT’S ACTUALLY NAMED “MISTER MIME.” It would be impossible to think of a lazier name than this, because it even sounds like someone desperately trying to think of a name at the last second and coming up empty. “Mister…Mime?” Hell, even calling him “Mimey” would have been better.

 

By Andrew Bridgman at Dorkly.com

7 Things That Still Bother Me About the Mighty Ducks Trilogy!

by Susanna Wolff of Collegehumor.

The Mighty Ducks is a terrific series of movies, but, like anything involving children and rollerblades, it has a whole bunch of nonsense mixed in.

1. Why would someone convicted of a DUI be assigned to mold the minds of children for his community service?

It’s pretty easy to forget that Emilio Estevez’s character, Gordon Bombay, starts this trilogy by driving drunk. There is no way in hell a Disney movie for kids would show anyone driving drunk, let alone the character that is supposed to be one of the heroes. But the presence of drunk driving in this movie isn’t what bothers me; it’s the idea that any court would sentence someone who had been arrested for driving drunk to coach a children’s sports team. And that these kids’ parents would allow it! He commits a dangerous crime that displays poor judgement and a disregard for the safety of others, and he gets put in charge of other people’s kids. I get that these are supposed to be some real loser reject kids, but come on.

 

2. There is no way these kids would have been chosen to be teamUSA

The Ducks spend the entire first movie banding together, trying to become good enough to beat a slightly better team of pathetic children in Minneapolis, MN (and a learning a few valuable lessons about personal integrity along the way), and even though they do end up beating that better team at the end of the movie, there is no way in hell that makes them the best youth hockey players in America. All the new kids that are brought in for the second movie, those are the best youth hockey players in America. Not Goldberg, who still can’t even skate.

 

3. Wearing rollerblades doesn’t mean you can jump 7 feet in the air

The current world record for a box jump is 64 inches, and that’s held by some sort of buff workout dude. In this scene, Charlie Conway, a scrawny, pubescent teen, not only jumps at least that high, but he also jumps about 6 feet forward, over a wall of cement bags and a cement mixer. The absolute bullsh*t physics of this scene is all the more noticeable because this moment is totally unnecessary. They could have easily cut this scene and avoided all the stunt work and we all could have carried on with this otherwise completely realistic movie.

 

4. The trick Knuckle-Puck scene in D2 breaks so many rules

Watch this scene real quick (it’s good)

 

That’s a super satisfy move of sportsy cleverness, but it also would have been illegal because:
1. If you switch goalies, you have to announce it.
2. You can’t switch jerseys with another player.
3. If the goalie’s helmet comes off, the play is stopped.
So, even if we ignore the fact that the Icelandic monsters could have totally walled off Kenan in the time it took him to have his big reveal and stick change, team USA was not getting a point for this one.

5. Everything about that scene where they play hockey against some inner city youths in South Central LA so they can learn how to play like the real team USA

This is, no question, the scene that makes the least sense in this whole series. Before criticising this specific scene, let me mention a few problems in the set-up: first, I don’t know how Kenan kept getting tickets to this popular ice hockey event. Second, I don’t know why he kept going alone instead of with his brother and friends who were clearly also interested in hockey. Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the real problem: teens in South Central LA don’t care about hockey. No one cares about hockey, but specifically not teens from a bad neighborhood in a hot city. There’s a reason this hockey game is clearly taking place on a basketball court. Because the real Team USA doesn’t play hockey.

 

6. Why are these supposed Olympic-level athletes not able to beat some random varsity hockey team?

In D3, the Ducks, the Goodwill Games athletes (the fake Olympics for people who were afraid of silly stuff like “nuclear war”), get scholarships to a fancy prep school where they instantly form a bitter rivalry with the existing varsity hockey team. It makes sense, in a stupid, self-serving way, that the varsity team wouldn’t want new, supposedly better players taking their spots, but, if the Ducks were really that good, they shouldn’t have cared about these preppy weiners. I suppose this complaint is really just a reiteration of my #2 complaint, which is that the Ducks aren’t as good as they’re supposed to be. Team USA should have kicked these dorks’ asses.

 

7. You can’t just decide to go by a different team name when you’re representing your country

It’s Team USA, not Team Whatever the Fuck You Want. That’s kind of the point of international sporting events, specifically the Goodwill Games. Yet another reason this team did not deserve to be Team USA, and that I should have titled this article, “7 Things That Still Bother Me About the Mighty Ducks, But Mostly the Mighty Ducks 2.”

Toplist: Best Fictional Athlete!

College Humor is asking for the public’s help in making the list of the best fictional athlete! Who’s your favorite movie/tv athlete? Help decide once and for all by voting below – feel free to be as thoughtful or as completely-biased as you want!

Click here to vote!