by Susanna Wolff of Collegehumor.
The Mighty Ducks is a terrific series of movies, but, like anything involving children and rollerblades, it has a whole bunch of nonsense mixed in.
1. Why would someone convicted of a DUI be assigned to mold the minds of children for his community service?
It’s pretty easy to forget that Emilio Estevez’s character, Gordon Bombay, starts this trilogy by driving drunk. There is no way in hell a Disney movie for kids would show anyone driving drunk, let alone the character that is supposed to be one of the heroes. But the presence of drunk driving in this movie isn’t what bothers me; it’s the idea that any court would sentence someone who had been arrested for driving drunk to coach a children’s sports team. And that these kids’ parents would allow it! He commits a dangerous crime that displays poor judgement and a disregard for the safety of others, and he gets put in charge of other people’s kids. I get that these are supposed to be some real loser reject kids, but come on.
2. There is no way these kids would have been chosen to be teamUSA
The Ducks spend the entire first movie banding together, trying to become good enough to beat a slightly better team of pathetic children in Minneapolis, MN (and a learning a few valuable lessons about personal integrity along the way), and even though they do end up beating that better team at the end of the movie, there is no way in hell that makes them the best youth hockey players in America. All the new kids that are brought in for the second movie, those are the best youth hockey players in America. Not Goldberg, who still can’t even skate.
3. Wearing rollerblades doesn’t mean you can jump 7 feet in the air
The current world record for a box jump is 64 inches, and that’s held by some sort of buff workout dude. In this scene, Charlie Conway, a scrawny, pubescent teen, not only jumps at least that high, but he also jumps about 6 feet forward, over a wall of cement bags and a cement mixer. The absolute bullsh*t physics of this scene is all the more noticeable because this moment is totally unnecessary. They could have easily cut this scene and avoided all the stunt work and we all could have carried on with this otherwise completely realistic movie.
4. The trick Knuckle-Puck scene in D2 breaks so many rules
Watch this scene real quick (it’s good)
That’s a super satisfy move of sportsy cleverness, but it also would have been illegal because:
1. If you switch goalies, you have to announce it.
2. You can’t switch jerseys with another player.
3. If the goalie’s helmet comes off, the play is stopped.
So, even if we ignore the fact that the Icelandic monsters could have totally walled off Kenan in the time it took him to have his big reveal and stick change, team USA was not getting a point for this one.
5. Everything about that scene where they play hockey against some inner city youths in South Central LA so they can learn how to play like the real team USA
This is, no question, the scene that makes the least sense in this whole series. Before criticising this specific scene, let me mention a few problems in the set-up: first, I don’t know how Kenan kept getting tickets to this popular ice hockey event. Second, I don’t know why he kept going alone instead of with his brother and friends who were clearly also interested in hockey. Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the real problem: teens in South Central LA don’t care about hockey. No one cares about hockey, but specifically not teens from a bad neighborhood in a hot city. There’s a reason this hockey game is clearly taking place on a basketball court. Because the real Team USA doesn’t play hockey.
6. Why are these supposed Olympic-level athletes not able to beat some random varsity hockey team?
In D3, the Ducks, the Goodwill Games athletes (the fake Olympics for people who were afraid of silly stuff like “nuclear war”), get scholarships to a fancy prep school where they instantly form a bitter rivalry with the existing varsity hockey team. It makes sense, in a stupid, self-serving way, that the varsity team wouldn’t want new, supposedly better players taking their spots, but, if the Ducks were really that good, they shouldn’t have cared about these preppy weiners. I suppose this complaint is really just a reiteration of my #2 complaint, which is that the Ducks aren’t as good as they’re supposed to be. Team USA should have kicked these dorks’ asses.
7. You can’t just decide to go by a different team name when you’re representing your country
It’s Team USA, not Team Whatever the Fuck You Want. That’s kind of the point of international sporting events, specifically the Goodwill Games. Yet another reason this team did not deserve to be Team USA, and that I should have titled this article, “7 Things That Still Bother Me About the Mighty Ducks, But Mostly the Mighty Ducks 2.”