27 Reasons Why Luke Skywalker is the Worst!

From Louis Peitzman at Buzzfeed.com.

1. First off, it’s just not cool when you say it like that. Take a breath first.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

2. THAT HAIR. No one is taking you seriously.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

3. LOL, can you not?

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

4. And what are you even wearing?! OK, we’re getting off track.

And what are you even wearing?! OK, we're getting off track.

5. So, he’s got MAJOR Daddy issues. It’s all he ever talks about!

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

6. And when he finally finds him, he makes this RIDICULOUS face.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

7. Like, just take a moment. Horrible.

Like, just take a moment. Horrible.

8. He opts out of fighting. Yeah, OK, good luck with that.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

9. Maybe because he SUCKS at it. This floating ball kicks his ass.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst


27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

11. And then when he does fight, it’s like, OOPS.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

12. He is ill-equipped to be handling weapons.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

13. Would YOU trust this guy with a lightsaber?

Would YOU trust this guy with a lightsaber?

14. That’s right. You just play with your toys.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

15. He TALKS a big game, but get real.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

16. I mean, he acts like he’s not scared to fight, and then — BIG GULP.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

17. Terrible time to pass out. Who does that?!

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

18. Remember when he just let the Emperor do this for a while?

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

19. Oh, the only romance he gets is from his SISTER.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

20. Yeaaah, I wouldn’t brag.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

21. Also he’s just kind of rude.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

22. I can’t believe you don’t shut up!

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

23. Remember, when someone makes this face at you, it’s because you DESERVE THIS FACE.

Remember, when someone makes this face at you, it's because you DESERVE THIS FACE.

24. And he’s so self-absorbed. He made Leia comfort him when Obi-Wan died, like 10 seconds after HER WHOLE PLANET WAS DESTROYED. Dude.

And he's so self-absorbed. He made Leia comfort him when Obi-Wan died, like 10 seconds after HER WHOLE PLANET WAS DESTROYED. Dude.

25. Even Yoda thinks you suck.

Even Yoda thinks you suck.

26. Surprise, surprise. He’s pouting now.

27 Reasons Luke Skywalker Is The Absolute Worst

27. OK, once more for the road.

OK, once more for the road.


8 Celebrities You Might Not Have Known Are Total Geeks!

As any nerd can tell you, being smarter than everyone else has a price. Poor social skills, being grossly over or under weight, being terrible at sports. Skin problems, probably bad eyesight … you get the idea.Yet, there is a whole class of nerds who break that universal rule, who somehow wind up smarter than us, yet also, are so good at being tough or being hot that they’ve got legions of adoring fans. Maybe they’re just lucky, or maybe they turned their backs on God and sought solace in the infernal embrace of a giving demonic patron. The fact is, it is not fair that these people exist and we suggest you take it up with your local clergy.We’re talking about people like …

Natalie Portman

When Golden Globe winner Natalie Portman was 10 years old, a representative of Revlon found her at a pizza parlor and asked her if she wanted to model. Portman turned her down and said that, all things considered, she would much rather act.

Portman was a straight A student in high school, although it was a public school and we can tell you first hand that most of what they teach involves premarital sex and how to keep your gun properly oiled. While playing the Queen Amidala in The Phantom Menace, she skipped the premiere to study for her final exams. This, by the way, got her into Harvard (If you ask us, it’s really a toss-up between the Ivy League and non-alcoholic sparkling cider at the kids’ table with baby Anakin.).

Portman was a research assistant in a psychology lab and put in some time working for the youngest law professor in the history of Harvard, Alan Dershowitz. You may remember him as a member of O.J. Simpson’s legal “dream team,” permanently earning himself another place in history as somebody you never want to get in an argument with about anything, ever. He even gave her a shout out in his book The Case for Israel.

By the time she got her bachelor’s, she had studied four languages in addition to Hebrew, the language of her birth, had been published in professional science journals twice, killed a butt load of aliens, and generally made us look like big human-shaped piles of poo. Seriously, when we were 10 years old, we wanted to be doctors or space cowboys or, at the very least, fire fighters. The closest we’ve gotten so far is one of those little shiny red fireman helmets.

Recently Natalie returned to the ground she covered with Dershowitz when she starred as anarchist apprentice Evey Hammond in the terrorist fable V for Vendetta. This got her invited to Columbia to speak to a class on terrorism and antiterrorism and, more importantly, bridging the raw, seemingly eternal divide between comic book and Star Wars geeks.

The Offspring lead singer Dexter Holland

Bryan “Dexter” Holland is the kind of dude who, if he can’t get into a rock show, grabs a buddy and starts The Offspring. Half a decade later, he was signed with Epitaph Records to join NOFX and Rancid, with whom his band is partly credited for bringing punk rock back into the angst-dripping hearts of suburban kids who really don’t have much to complain about except the emptiness of their idle middle-class lives. To go down that road, however, he had to give up a pretty straight-arrow career path of over-achieving drudgery that probably would have given him some of his best moody material–and a sick minivan to go with it.

Dexter, as it turns out, grew up in the high-rent suburbs West Garden Grove, California.

He went to Pacifica High School and, instead of setting fires and declaring anarchy, went ahead and graduated as valedictorian instead. He went on to the University of Southern California, became a pre-med student and eventually got his Master’s Degree in molecular biology. He was actually on the way to a Ph.D. before dropping out to follow his dream of throwing glistening globs of his own biological molecules all over screaming audiences night after night.

In his spare time he decided to also become a licensed airline pilot and flew himself around the world. Hey, why not?

#5 & 6.
Underworld‘s Kate Beckinsale and Kevin Grevioux

Let’s talk about Kate Beckinsale first. Well, there’s the posh and personable accent. Then, there’s the “shaped out of clay and given breath by a prayer to the gods and a slowly expanding pillar of light” body. Also, there’s that face.

So how does one prepare to star in a campy Matrix-with-werewolves franchise? Why, by becoming a literary prodigy and mastering several languages, obviously. Beckinsale wrote award-winning short stories and poems (taking home the national W.H. Smith Literary Award twice in a row). That love for the written language took her to Oxford University, where Beckinsale mastered French, German and Russian and had her nose buried in French and Russian texts caked with several lifetimes’ worth of “who the hell gives a damn about Baratynsky” dust. She was on her way to being the world’s sexiest librarian in the world’s emptiest library before she finally dropped out to eventually star in a movie about a war between vampires and werewolves.

Meanwhile, the biggest, baddest werewolf in the film was this guy …

Kevin Grevioux, who played Raze. This dude, seemingly born to play horror movie monsters, served as a research assistant at the world famous National Institutes of Health and got his degree in microbiology from Howard University. While pursuing his master’s in genetic engineering, Grevioux discovered he was more interested in film and moved to Los Angeles. The role of Raze was perfect for Grevioux because, well, he wrote the movie.

We’d like to have been a fly on the wall during that shoot, with Beckinsale quoting Russian poetry and Grevioux tossing out cancer cures in their spare time. Then, they get interrupted so they can go play werewolves and vampires.

Vin Diesel

Neither Vin nor Diesel is his real name (it’s Mark Vincent), but it was a given that creatures like this do not have names so much as titles. He’s lately known more for the movie The Pacifier (original working name, Oh My God, what am I watching? Oh, right, poop.), and not known, thankfully, for his “comedic” turn in Find Me Guilty. But, one can hardly mention Vin Diesel’s name without remembering severed carotid’s and snapped necks.

Multifacial, a movie he produced for $3,000 (and which, surprisingly, is not porn) gained the attention of Steven Spielberg, who cast him in Saving Private Ryan. This started off Vin Diesel’s film career in a long string of roles being surly, growling one-liners, looking intimidating without even trying, and racking up a body count (huge) and number of Oscars (zero) to rival Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.

And, the whole time, he was playing Dungeons and Dragons. Has been for over 20 years. Seriously, somewhere on his body is a tattoo of his player character’s name. Now, that’s hardcore gamester.

His geek flag flew higher when he opened up his own gaming development house, Tigon Studios, just because he was tired of people making crappy games based on movies. The very fabric of existence was rent asunder when, to the shocked and frightened gasps of a reviewing public, it turned out The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay, the first video game based on a movie since Goldeneye was not just better than the movie, but better than just about every other game that came out that year. It’s average review score was 90 percent, according to MetaCritic.

Porn star Asia Carrera

Retired porn star Asia Carrera, real name Jessica Steinhauser, is a bit of a legend in the porn industry. With 36-26-36 measurements, she performed in a jaw-dropping 400 hundred films in her career and exchanged an unthinkable amount of bodily fluids. She’s also mother of two.

She calls herself “the nerd of porn,” and we assumed it was some kind of in-joke, until we saw her credentials. Here is somebody who studied piano as a child and by the age of 14 was playing in Carnegie Hall.

At 16, she went to Japan and taught English classes. She was a state spelling champ, in the National Mathematics League, a Spanish National Honor Society member, placing in National Geography, Language and Math Olympiads, and is a member of Mensa. That got her a free ride to Rutgers, where she double-majored in business and Japanese. This naturally inspired her to change her first name to Asia and become an entrepreneur in America’s fastest growing business.

Either that, or her self-professed hatred of her parents’ pressure on her to succeed academically made her lash out by riding random guys reverse cowgirl on camera. Whatever works.

When she and her brother get in the room together, she admits a tendency to “geek out,” and would rather volley IMs back and forth than hold an actual conversation. The sex lives of some of our staff members are, to be honest, quite similar, so we can relate. Her geek hallmark, however, is her love of LAN parties and Unreal Tournament (handle: megab*tchgoddess).

Now that she’s no longer taking shots to the face while sprawled out on pool tables, you can expect her to dish it just as hard and fast online. Keep an eye out for her self-made skins, or download them yourself:

Queen guitarist Brian May

In case your musical knowledge doesn’t pre-date the ’90s, Brian May played lead guitar, wrote for and was the sometimes lead singer of Queen. He put the words “We Will Rock You” (surprisingly), “Who Wants to Live Forever” (ironically), and “Fat-Bottomed Girls” (not so surprisingly) in Freddie Mercury’s mouth. Sometimes Freddie shrugged and said, “Ah, bloody ‘ell, I broke my last bottle of Goldschlager with ‘at ‘igh C, so’s ‘ow about I shut my gob and let you ‘ave a go at it?” and sang back up to him.

In the early ’70s, he also had a Bachelor of Sciences degree with honors from the Imperial College of London and was in the middle of his doctorate studying how light reflects off of dust floating in space and the movement of that dust within the solar system. While we at Cracked are sure that Brian May’s heart was pounding with excitement when he first signed up for the classes, we admit that you probably had to be there to give a rat’s ass.

May also apparently grew tired of it, because at that point he took 30 years off from his doctorate to become a millionaire, one of the best guitar players in the world and a member of one of the greatest rock bands in history.

When he wasn’t busy rocking faces, May fiddled around with astrophysics, co-authoring two scientific papers and the book Bang! – The Complete History of the Universe with Christ Lintott and Patrick Moore. He also has been a regular guest on the latter’s show The Sky at Night for years). Finally, after he was satisfied that he had squeezed all the rocking he could into one lifetime, he went back and got his doctorate in the fall of ’07.

Then, he was appointed Chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University, meaning we now have a man who can look upon both Albert Einstein and Eddie Van Halen and ask why they didn’t get more done.

Dolph Lundgren

Mr. Lundgren was an almost-superstar back in the ’80s, having played comic hero The Punisher (1989 version) and even He-Man (1987). But, his greatest acting accomplishments is beating Apollo Creed into something resembling grape jelly and inspiring the greatest Rocky montage of all time.

As it turns out, this towering blond monster who casually told Sylvester Stallone, “I will break you,” could have, in fact, probably calculated the amount of effort (in force pounds per square inch and Joules expenditure) needed to do just that in his head.

The man reportedly has an IQ of 160. He graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology in Sweden, got his master’s in chemical engineering, then was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT. After just two weeks of that, his superhuman intellect allowed him to calculate that a life spent inventing life-saving chemicals would mathematically contain less awesome than one movie spent playing He-Man.

Hey, did we mention that he speaks five languages (French, Swedish, German, English and Italian)? Or, that he’s a Pentathlon Team Leader and a former Ranger? And a third-degree black belt?

So, really, to play a superhuman machine of destruction in Rocky IV, he still had to tone it down quite a bit. Hell, this man had to tone it down to play He-Man.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_15753_8-celebrities-you-didnt-know-were-geeks_p2.html#ixzz2HAWmgcU0

Some Amazing WTF Facts!




























































Read more at http://thechive.com/2013/01/24/true-facts-that-are-full-of-wtf-30-photos/#LCEk2oXf4JvKQfre.99

Top 10 Reasons Why Boba Fett Killed Luke’s Aunt and Uncle, and Not Stormtroopers!

Darth Vader needed to find the plans stored within R2-D2. It stands to reason that Vader would have been desperate enough to use any means necessary, in order to secure those plans. “Any means necessary” could have included one of the most notorious bounty hunters in the Galaxy: Boba Fett. In that a bounty hunter uses any means necessary to accomplish his goals, Luke Skywalker’s Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru may have gotten caught in the crossfire.

10.  Boba Fett Was At The Scene of the Crime


For all of the many failings of  the Star Wars Special Edition that was first released in 1997, George Lucas has stood by this version as being canon. The last part of the docking bay scene clearly establishes that Boba Fett was on Tatooine during the search for the droids. Boba Fett would not have been above trying to collect multiple bounties. A bounty for the droids, as well as a bounty for Han Solo, would have made Boba Fett even more likely to be on Tatooine.

9.  Boba Fett Had Stormtrooper DNA


When the bodies of  Owen and Beru were discovered, the deaths are made to look like Tusken Raiders had killed them. The Empire is a clearly established authority; their Death Star is used to blow up an entire planet. If Stormtroopers had killed Owen and Beru, then there would have been no reason to cover up their tracks.

The main argument most people have for Stormtroopers killing Owen and Beru is the following quote by Obi Wan Kenobi: “These blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.” Fine, but who were Imperial Stormtroopers? They were altered clones of Jango Fett. And who was Boba Fett?  Episode II: Attack of the Clones establishes Boba Fett as an unaltered clone of Jango Fett. Jango even raised Boba as his son.

8. Darth Vader Protected Owen and Beru For Decades


In Attack of the Clones,  Anakin Skywalker endangered a mission given to him by the Council, in order to go back to Tatooine. In the course of avenging his mother’s death, Anakin met the entire Lars family. During the purge at the end of Episode III, the Lars family could have easily been arrested at any time for information. Yet, Obi Wan thought that Tatooine would be a safe place to go and live in anonymity. He may have suspected that Vader would attempt to protect the only perceived family that he had left.

7.  Darth Vader Preferred Interrogation


The only real time that you see Darth Vader kill a member of the Rebellion is when Vader chokes Captain Antilles at the beginning of Star War Episode IV: A New Hope, during the course of an interrogation. Leia, meanwhile, is stunned and captured. Han Solo fires a shot at Vader in Empire Strikes Back, and is then disarmed and captured. The Stormtroopers had already used non-lethal methods of capture by stunning Leia. The Stormtroopers had also set up checkpoints to look for the droids. They clearly had not been on the trail of the droids enough to follow them from the Jawas, to the Lars residence. If they had, they would have been looking for Luke and the Droids at Mos Espa. The Stormtroopers were behind the game.

6.  Boba Fett Had A Motive To Slaughter


Darth Vader would have known who Owen and Beru were. The Stormtroopers would not have acted without orders. The only reason to kill the Jawas, as well as the Lars’s, is so that they would not talk to anyone else. Killing them would also indicate that the killer had no place to store them for later questioning. The killer was also working on a time-frame.  None of those statements are true of Imperial Stormtroopers. Stormtroopers had the means to not only interrogate, but also imprison. Stormtroopers could take over Mos Espa and set up checkpoints. Owen and Beru’s killer covered up their role in the killing, but Stormtroopers simply had no reason to do so. They act purely on Imperial Orders. A cover-up, and killing of, Owen and Beru is a waste of time unless you are trying to prevent another bounty hunter from collecting the same information.

5.  Darth Vader Was Not Above Using Bounty Hunters


Lets just say that The Empire Strikes Back was not Darth Vader’s first rodeo. Bounty hunters, including Boba Fett, are assembled to listen to Vader give the parameters of the mission. The meeting in Empire is obviously not the first time that Vader has dealt with bounty hunters. It is also obvious that this is not the first time that Vader has encountered Boba Fett. Even before the mission in Empire starts, Vader shows a clear disdain for Boba Fett in particular. Every time Vader encounters Fett, he seems thoroughly disgusted by him.

4.  Stormtroopers Could Not Disobey Orders


The entire reasoning for creating the Stormtroopers in the first place was to have an entire army of soldiers  who would never question orders. Order 66 caused the Troopers to turn on their superiors and friends. They slaughtered without question, when there were orders. So there are two possibilities here. One, Vader would have had to order the deaths of Owen and Beru. This is possible, but highly unlikely. Anakin was still inside that suit, and Owen and Beru were still family to him. More likely, somebody acted on their own, somebody who could exactly duplicate a Stormtrooper, but also execute free will. In that case, the list of suspects is narrowed to one: Boba Fett.

3.  Darth Vader Saves Chewbacca


In The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader stands next to Boba Fett, before Solo is encased in carbonite. Vader feels the need to be close to Fett, in case anything goes wrong. When Chewbacca inevitably tries to stop the events from unfolding, Vader actually prevents Fett from killing Chewie. Vader does not approve of Fett’s methods, and wants to keep him on a short leash. This is a further indication that there has been a major past event, which has caused Vader to not trust Fett at all.

2.  There Is No Punishment For Not Recovering the Droids


If  Vader had blamed the Stormtroopers, or anyone really, within the Imperial chain of command for not recovering the droids, he would have force-choked them to death. Vader nearly force-chokes an officer in A New Hope for an insult. Vader force-chokes multiple officers in The Empire Strikes Back for incompetence. The lack of punishment for anyone, after the failure to recover the droids, means Vader put the failure upon himself. Assigning more than one group to the same task qualifies as an overkill that foiled the mission.

1. “No Disintegrations”

In the famous bounty hunter scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader says, “you are free to use any methods necessary, but I want them alive…no disintegrations.” The “no disintegrations” comment is directed directly at Boba Fett, who simply responds, “as you wish.” Vader not only feels the need to specifically eliminate murder from the equation, but also feels the need to direct the comment right to Fett’s face. This indicates that there was a problem in the past. The directive also indicates that, previously, disintegrations had occurred.

Merriam-Webster defines disintegrate as “to undergo a change in composition…an atomic nucleus that disintegrates because of radioactivity.” Simple blaster fire, or damage from a lightsaber, does not cause the effect of being cooked to the bone by radioactivity. The only real examples of disintegrations in the Star Wars Universe is what happens to the Jawas, and the Lars’s. Vader is specifically warning Fett, to prevent another mess-up. The mess-up, of course, being the only example of disintegrations previously in the films.

Full article can be found here.


Ok, so, here is the full breakdown in a coherent timeline.

– (Canon) – Tantive 4 is fleeing. The droids R2-D2 are on board and they escape in an escape pod. For some reason, the imperials do no shoot them down. The two droids land on the planet of Tatooine. Vader realizes the plans are with the droids.

-(Not shown) – Vader, realizing he is surrounded by idiots (points made through out the movies), realizes he cannot trust his troopers to actually do anything right. He knows Boba Fett is already on the planet in question and given Fett’s reputation, Vader hires him to look for the droids.

-(Not shown) – Fett, who is a master bounty hunter and who is already planet side, beats the Stormtroopers to the crashed escape pods. Fett starts to track the droids, and is for the rest of the time, always a step ahead of the Stormtroopers. Fett finds the Jawas that took the droids. While trying to get the information on who they sold the droids to, there was an altercation and Fett slaughtered them after getting the information…Fett now knows to go to the Lars farm.

-(Canon) – The troopers, always a step behind Fett, follow them to the sandcrawler that is already destroyed. They create a bunch of tracks and search the rubble. They then leave on their way to the Lars’ place. Luke and Obi-Wan, many steps behind the troopers, come across the wreckage. There, Obi Wan tells Luke that Stormtroopers did this based on the many footprints and blaster marks.

-(Not shown) – Fett arrives a the Lars’ farm. Extracts information about the Droids and where they could be. Luke is gone with the droids. Fett finds out. Owen, knowing Luke is in trouble, has an altercation with Fett and Fett kills both Owen and Beru. Fett tells Vader the droids are in Mos Eisley. Vader asks for Fett’s sources. Fett explains his route and how he killed a farmer…Vader finds out it was the Lars’, who, we know from Episode II and III are basically Vader’s brother in law. Vader is pissed and harbors resentment from then on for Fett.

-(Canon) – Stormtroopers show up, realize it is too late, move on. They get orders to set up check points in Mos Eisley for the droids. Luke shows up, mourns aunt and uncle. Obi-Wan takes Luke to Mos Eisley where they meet Han and Chewie. Han leaves to prepare the Falcon. There, Boba Fett is waiting for him with Jabba. They leave after warning Han they need the money. Then, the troopers, always a step behind, show up at the Falcon. A quick battle ensues and the Falcon escapes.

-(Canon) – Vader still has trouble trusting the imperials with anything, killing both Ozzel and Needa in Empire Strikes Back. He hires bounty hunters again to pursue Han. Boba Fett, after getting paid handsomely by Vader the first time, shows up. This time, Vader shows extreme contempt towards Fett for seemingly no reason…He even goes as far to get in Fett’s face and point right at him and say No Disintigrations…meaning, Do NOT kill anyone.

The rest is history. Fett helps capture Han and ultimatly Luke. Fett gets money from both Vader (for the help) and Jabba for Han. Fett then gets thrown in the Sarlacc…There you have it.

The 7 Coats Every Guy Wears!

Check out this extremely accurate list from College Humor. Maybe I should get the “Single and Employed Peacoat”…or maybe I should get a real job first!
 - Image 1

1. The Idiot Mittens Special

When you’re a guy, you wear your all-time favorite coat right off the bat. It’s brightly colored with brightly colored trim PLUSsomebody stitched on your favorite anthropomorphic train, racecar, or sponge. This coat’s poofy, warm, snowproof, and the handwarmers are tied right on, which is perfect for your fast-paced, object permanence-free lifestyle. The only drawback is that it’s not a coat you can go around wearing forever. But when twenty years go by and you’re searching through closets for the only pair of gloves you like, you’ll miss the one coat that never let your mittens down (more than four inches from the sleeve).


 - Image 12. Starter Jacket

Best. Early. Christmas. Present. EVER. Now you’re owning fourth grade like you’re some kind of held-back older kid, you’re proudly describing yourself as your age and a half, and best of all everybody knows you totallylike the same NFL team as everyone else in your town. With this expensive, not-that-warm coat, you’re saying “Peep the oversized logo zipper, buttface. I’m rockin’ a Starter jacket (so please stop calling me ‘buttface’ I’m not good at social relationships yet and your teasing hurts me).”


The 7 Coats Every Guy Wears In Life - Image 83. “I hate coats”

You don’t have any control over your daily schedule, your hormones, or your impending high school struggle towards collegiate struggle. But you know what you do control? Your willingness to suffer through five months of moderate-to-extreme-to-moderate cold temperatures. So nice  Burlington Coat Factory purchase, Your Mom. The only winter gear you’re wearing this year is a scowl you refuse to explain.




 - Image 14. Fleece North Face Thing + Hoodie Underneath

Duuuuuuuuude it’s already November! That means you’re a month late for finding off-campus housing for next September (I know, that’s just how it works). Time to hash out some last-minute options with your current dormmate over local-joint pitas, you know, before you eat again in two hours. Oh but look, it’s mad the wrong kind of chill out there. Best throw on your semi-impractical North Face over the zip-up hoodie you wear every day, then pop that hood over your head because your “coat” doesn’t cover the ol’ Thought Balloon. In fact, by the first week of cold weather you’d best start treating that hoodie/Northie combo as if it’s a single unified garment. It’s not lazy, it’s what Poster Of Bob Marley would do.



 - Image 15. Single ‘n’ Employed Peacoat

Hey, you look like you’d be interested in our happy hour special on pint glasses of High Life. It’s the perf brew to enjoy after walking here in the cold from your health insurance-less job, like your five other roommates will as they trickle in throughout the night. Just be sure to keep that coat on while you wait for them. It makes you look mature and a little British navy-ish, but still dynamic and available. Because who knows, there might be a special lady here tonight. It’ll be like you’re the main character of How I Met Your Mother, your favorite show. And she’ll be like another character, one played by an attractive lady from movies, who’s wearing a flattering, stylish wool coat that’s exactly like your coat which you think is for men but now you’re not sure.


 - Image 16. Zippered Utilitarian Dadwear

You’re going to the hardware store, because there are specific things you need there, to use for tasks at your family’s home. Maybe you’ll convince your kids to put their Dreamcasts down and come along, maybe you won’t. Either way you’ve got a solid winter coat of no particular brand with three too many zippered compartments. It’s why you’re ready to succeed at Errand #1 Billion, and feel good about doing it within the budget you worked out with the missus last Saturday afternoon. It doesn’t even matter whether the coat’s warm enough to completely protect you from the elements, because if necessary your Implacable Dad Resolve can handle the rest of the job.


 - Image 17. Gray, with old hat

You have no idea where this coat came from. For all you know it’s a metaphor for the way you’ve become a kind of gentle shade, floating ghost-like through the land of younger people. Anyway it’s time to bundle up, because your kids are convinced your grandkids need to go out and use that $1000 (probably) sled they bought them. So grab that hat from a company outing from 30 years ago. Dyson (he’s your writer grandson, the one at that Californian college) says this kind of hat’s back in style and expensive, which is some predictably foolish young-think.

From there go out on that hill in the neighborhood. What do you see but Taramm (another great name choice by the guy who’s throwing it in your daughter) having the time of his life. Kid seems like he’s gonna be a linebacker. Well maybe not, maybe he just seems like it because he’s got his whole life ahead of him. Either way, winter is his playground, and wow, you hadn’t noticed it till now, but he’s got the coolest coat EVER.

Top 15 Fictional Crushes!

From College Humor:


Seth on Jules

15. Seth on Jules (Superbad)

“Be yourself” is advice largely ignored when it comes to wooing ladies, but Superbad establishes pretty early on that Jules is actually kind of into Seth as-is. Seth’s crush on Jules goes for more of a will-they-won’t-they than a will-she-settle-for-someone-she’s-obviously-better-than? Meaning the whole thing plays out much more naturally than in other comedies, and that we, the viewers, don’t have to miss out on Seth doing things like verbally abusing a homeless man or head-butting the woman he loves.

Miss Piggy on Kermit the Frog

14. Miss Piggy on Kermit the Frog

The only female-on-male crush to make the Top 15, Miss Piggy’s endless pursuit of Kermit the Frog is one of the defining characteristics of the entire Muppets franchise. Piggy and Kermit’s relationship hasn’t always been a perfect model of romance, but what it lacks in tenderness it more than makes up for in pure persistence. As that old saying goes: if at first you don’t succeed, trick him into marrying you, like, a dozen times.

Milhouse on Lisa Simpson

13. Milhouse on Lisa Simpson

As horrible as unrequited love is in practice, it makes great television. The outcome of Milhouse’s pursuit of Lisa has never been in any doubt, but that doesn’t stop us rooting for him every time. On the bright side, we’ll always have those episodes set in the future where’s she’s inexplicably with him for a while.

Link on Zelda

12. Link on Zelda

Love makes us do crazy things, but even Link seriously pushes the envelope with the kind of shit he pulls to impress Zelda. We’ve all been there. Sure, it’s a nice gesture to run a little errand or two for your squeeze, but all too soon those errands start running into the dozens, and those little errands are in all actuality life-threatening epic journeys. Link’s devotion and servitude to Zelda remains unwavering, which is admittedly cute, but he’d better be in for some serious snuggling once all’s said and done. That is, if he doesn’t die in the name of his one true love. Which he probably will.

Peter Parker on Mary Jane Watson

11. Peter Parker on Mary Jane Watson

I’ve seen enough movies to know that revealing your secret superhero identity is a terrible idea for all involved. It puts your loved ones in danger, it compromises every facet of your personal life, and you might get a bill for all those buildings you inadvertently destroyed that one time. Despite all this, I know if I had some rad powers, I’d tell everyone I possibly could in a heartbeat. Which goes to show just how much Peter Parker loves Mary Jane since it took him FOREVER to let the love of his life in on the one detail which would redeem him and bring them together. Also she calls him “Tiger” a lot, and it takes a serious bond to overlook that.

Corey Matthews on Topanga Lawrence

10. Corey Matthews on Topanga Lawrence

It would be impossible to begin talking about these two without first acknowledging the current plans to release a Boy Meets World sequel series about Cory and Topanga’s daughter. As unbearably exciting as this is for all of us, we mustn’t lose sight of this union’s origins as an on-again-off-again love-hate teen couple. Here’s to Cory and Topanga, the only people to ever be happy after marrying straight out of high school.

Ross Gellar on Rachel Green

9. Ross Gellar on Rachel Green

Ross and Rachel will perhaps forever be the benchmark for any successful TV relationship, but that doesn’t mean it came easy for them. Save for the occasional storyline, Ross spent pretty much the entire series pining over Rachel no matter who he was getting married to that year. And that’s true commitment.

Scott Pilgrim on Ramona Flowers

8. Scott Pilgrim on Ramona Flowers

Few crushes are as quantifiable as Scott’s over Ramona Flowers, who watched her beau fight off 7 villains to finally be with her. That’s not only a super romantic story, but also one that’ll be really easy to hold over her head for the rest of their lives. “Oh, you want to rent ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It?’ well, I guess one of us doesn’t remember that time I was stabbed to death just to get you to date me. That’s what I thought. ‘Zookeper’ it is.”


7. WALL-E and EVE

WALL-E’s wooing of EVE plays out entirely silently. We rely only on movement and expression to believe in the love the two of them share. It’s a testament to both the writing of these moments and of the characters themselves that a love story between two robots and not a word of dialogue can be so viscerally moving, as well as an opportunity for a timely parody: “You had me at BEEP BEEPBEEP.”

Ted Mosby on Robin Scherbatsky

6. Ted Mosby on Robin Scherbatsky

By now we’re pretty sure that Robin isn’t the mother we’ve been hearing so much about. Considering it’d be absolutely impossible that, accounting for the information we’ve been given about her by now, and they fact Robin looks set to be marrying another man, there’s just no way the two are one and the same. Still, there’s that tiny part of you that just knows it’s going to be her. Either way, Ted’s hopeless longing for Robin throughout the series has been a highlight, and that’s saying something in a show that frequently involves Jason Segel slapping people.

Fry on Leela

5. Fry on Leela

Though they’ve been a happy couple at time, Futurama just isn’t Futurama unless Fry’s trying desperately to win over an ambivalent Leela with ill-advised schemes. I’m not saying I want Fry to remain romantically unfulfilled and miserable forever. Just as long as the show continues to exist.

Leonard Hofstadter on Penny

4. Leonard Hofstadter on Penny

What’s refreshing about the seemingly endless teasing of the Leonard and Penny pairing is how little Leonard’s nerdier… inclinations have anything to do with why she might not like him. He’s sometimes just a terrible person! It’s this kind of earnestness that really invests a viewer in something that’s been dragged out for much longer then it should be. That and how great the names “Leonard and Penny” work as a couple name.

Eric on Donna

3. Eric on Donna

I’ve never believed in love more than during Eric and Donna’s basketball/gab sessions. It’s the perfect harmony of what they both want out of a relationship, even if they don’t quite know they want it with each other yet. Then again, I also believed they weren’t smoking pot on that show, thinking sometimes the characters just sat in a circle and said wacky things. Don’t trust me.

Jim Halpert on Pam Beesly

2. Jim Halpert on Pam Beesly

It seems, looking down this list, that the secret to any good crush storyline is agonizing longevity. Looking back from our current position in season 9, it’s hard to think of three years as a long time. But when you consider Jim and Pam’s original UK counterparts were united after just 12 episodes, it was a heart-wrenching wait. Some might argue Jim and Pam’s coming together compromised the show’s best dynamic, but they’re dumb, it was obviously meant to be.

Ron Weasley on Hermione Granger

1. Ron Weasley on Hermione Granger

Ron and Hermione’s undying love came from sort-of left field, which is nothing but a testament to the believability of the friendship they had before the relationship. What really made us want to root for Ron in his infatuation with his best friend was how human everything felt. In a world of evil wizards, dragons, and some dweeb with glasses being the most popular kid in school, Ron was just some spacey redhead who liked a girl. For all their time spent chasing monsters and plotting their survival, Ron and Hermione’s greatest adventure was love all along. Haha, just kidding. Prisoner of Azkaban was the bomb.