Posted by jayaye1587 on September 9, 2013
I recently became a teacher at a high school and this seems to fit perfectly. Well done College Humor.
Posted by jayaye1587 on August 20, 2013
The Return of the King is an awesome movie. But, if you watch it again, you’ll notice that there are roughly seven different times where the movie could have comfortably ended, and then another ending scene is tacked on. You can argue the value of most of these unnecessary scenes, but not the part when Frodo wakes up in the enormous bed and then everyone comes in to excitedly greet him and have lots of weird slow laughter and creepy soft light that makes everybody look like cherub figurines. It’s embarrassing to watch.
For many Superman fans, Superman I is the Superman movie. It is a perfect gem of superhero goodness. Everyone who thinks that is correct, but they’ve also definitely forgotten about this incredibly stupid scene when Superman takes Lois Lane flying. I’m not even referring to the obvious physics flaw in her being able to fly straight when he’s just holding onto her hand, even though she would logically just be hanging beneath him. We can ignore that because this is a movie about a flying, invincible man. But we can’t ignore the weird, bad poem of Lois’s internal monologue. Why is this in the movie? Silent flying would have been 1000 times better.
The sequels to The Matrix were so bad that it can be hard to remember that the first Matrix movie was actually really good. It introduced a exciting world with an interesting and fresh look at the potential of technology. And it also had a bunch of really cool parts, like that bit when he stops the helicopter from falling, or when he dies but then doesn’t die. Remember those parts? So good. You know the part you probably don’t remember because you carefully wiped it from your memory? The last 10 seconds of the movie when Keanu Reeves steps out of the phone booth and then flies while Rage Against the Machine plays. Oof. We all knew the sequels could only be shit after that scene.
Get it? It’s a movie about liars and turncloaks and…rats. So, you know, wouldn’t it just be so poignant to have a rat just kind of walk by in the last shot of the movie? That way the audience will really get what this movie is about.
Ok, yes, pretty much every scene involving computers that was filmed in the 80s or early 90s was beyond idiotic, but this particular scene, in the midst of an exquisitely crafted climax, with every audience member trembling with perfectly timed terror, is just unbearably stupid. There is probably no moment in cinematic history that made more people look at a little girl and think, “Oh shut the fuck up.”
Kenneth Branagh’s four-hour film of Hamlet was critically acclaimed at the time, and is still considered one of the best film iterations of a Shakespeare play. But it also contains one of the absolute dumbest scenes in film history: Hamlet throws a fucking sword across the room and into Claudius’s chest. There isn’t even any point in me explaining what’s so stupid about it. Just watch.
Most the stupid scenes I’ve chosen to highlight on this list come from the ends of movies, which probably says something about how hard it is to end a movie well. Harry Potter and the entire magnificent series had a perfect ending after the Battle of Hogwarts, with the new dawn of freedom and potential. And then god damn J.K. Rowling slapped on a trite, sappy, all out fanfiction-y epilogue and ruined an otherwise ideal ending. She took these young, strong heros and made them chunky, bland parents. Fuck this fucking scene.
Posted by jayaye1587 on August 6, 2013
by Susanna Wolff of Collegehumor.
The Mighty Ducks is a terrific series of movies, but, like anything involving children and rollerblades, it has a whole bunch of nonsense mixed in.
It’s pretty easy to forget that Emilio Estevez’s character, Gordon Bombay, starts this trilogy by driving drunk. There is no way in hell a Disney movie for kids would show anyone driving drunk, let alone the character that is supposed to be one of the heroes. But the presence of drunk driving in this movie isn’t what bothers me; it’s the idea that any court would sentence someone who had been arrested for driving drunk to coach a children’s sports team. And that these kids’ parents would allow it! He commits a dangerous crime that displays poor judgement and a disregard for the safety of others, and he gets put in charge of other people’s kids. I get that these are supposed to be some real loser reject kids, but come on.
The Ducks spend the entire first movie banding together, trying to become good enough to beat a slightly better team of pathetic children in Minneapolis, MN (and a learning a few valuable lessons about personal integrity along the way), and even though they do end up beating that better team at the end of the movie, there is no way in hell that makes them the best youth hockey players in America. All the new kids that are brought in for the second movie, those are the best youth hockey players in America. Not Goldberg, who still can’t even skate.
The current world record for a box jump is 64 inches, and that’s held by some sort of buff workout dude. In this scene, Charlie Conway, a scrawny, pubescent teen, not only jumps at least that high, but he also jumps about 6 feet forward, over a wall of cement bags and a cement mixer. The absolute bullsh*t physics of this scene is all the more noticeable because this moment is totally unnecessary. They could have easily cut this scene and avoided all the stunt work and we all could have carried on with this otherwise completely realistic movie.
Watch this scene real quick (it’s good)
That’s a super satisfy move of sportsy cleverness, but it also would have been illegal because:
1. If you switch goalies, you have to announce it.
2. You can’t switch jerseys with another player.
3. If the goalie’s helmet comes off, the play is stopped.
So, even if we ignore the fact that the Icelandic monsters could have totally walled off Kenan in the time it took him to have his big reveal and stick change, team USA was not getting a point for this one.
This is, no question, the scene that makes the least sense in this whole series. Before criticising this specific scene, let me mention a few problems in the set-up: first, I don’t know how Kenan kept getting tickets to this popular ice hockey event. Second, I don’t know why he kept going alone instead of with his brother and friends who were clearly also interested in hockey. Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the real problem: teens in South Central LA don’t care about hockey. No one cares about hockey, but specifically not teens from a bad neighborhood in a hot city. There’s a reason this hockey game is clearly taking place on a basketball court. Because the real Team USA doesn’t play hockey.
In D3, the Ducks, the Goodwill Games athletes (the fake Olympics for people who were afraid of silly stuff like “nuclear war”), get scholarships to a fancy prep school where they instantly form a bitter rivalry with the existing varsity hockey team. It makes sense, in a stupid, self-serving way, that the varsity team wouldn’t want new, supposedly better players taking their spots, but, if the Ducks were really that good, they shouldn’t have cared about these preppy weiners. I suppose this complaint is really just a reiteration of my #2 complaint, which is that the Ducks aren’t as good as they’re supposed to be. Team USA should have kicked these dorks’ asses.
It’s Team USA, not Team Whatever the Fuck You Want. That’s kind of the point of international sporting events, specifically the Goodwill Games. Yet another reason this team did not deserve to be Team USA, and that I should have titled this article, “7 Things That Still Bother Me About the Mighty Ducks, But Mostly the Mighty Ducks 2.”
Posted by jayaye1587 on July 9, 2013
Mos Eisley is a sorta scummy place, I guess – there are some rough characters there who would pull a blaster on you at the drop of a hat (not noble hero Han Solo though. No, he would only pull a blaster to defend himself). However, Obi-Wan telling Luke he would never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy was more than a little disingenuous, considering there’s a FAR more wretched hive of scum and villainy located ON THE SAME PLANET.
That’s right – Jabba’s palace, a hive that’s 20 times more wretched and scummy and villainous. There’s a fat slug guy who keeps a human being frozen in carbonite as a conversation piece, regularly abuses his slaves, and has no problem feeding his servants to the giant cave monster who lives in his basement. Also, his idea of a good time is throwing people into a toothy sphincter in the middle of the desert.
Compared to that, the Mos Eisley Spaceport is practically a neighborhood Applebee’s.
Unless the most powerful thing Darth Vader can imagine is a partially-transparent advice-giving ghost, Obi-Wan’s kinda full of bullshit here. He actually becomes pretty much entirely powerless – he gives Luke some tips (as a voice in his head) and chats with Yoda a little. That’s not very powerful at all, especially considering he’s standing on a space station that literally blows up planets when he makes this claim. That alone is infinitely more powerful than what Obi-Wan becomes.
You know what Obi-Wan should have done with his ghost-powers? Mess with Vader CONSTANTLY. He’s now a ghost who can show up anywhere in the galaxy at will. Just annoy Vader for the rest of his life. Follow him around and scream at him, keep him up at night by yodeling, tell everyone in the Empire embarrassing secrets about Anakin’s past (“Ol’ Darth there’s childhood nickname was ‘Annie.’ Haha, no, I’m totes serious, you guys!”). You’re a GHOST. Why not actually make use of that ability?
Then again, maybe he thought hanging around in a newbie pilot’s head and chatting with a swamp Muppet was a better use of his ultimate power.
YES, YES IT IS. Are you kidding, Yoda? Hell, you were even BEATEN in a big Dark vs. Light battle, which is why you’re living in a swamp by yourself tricking farmboys into giving you piggyback rides.
The Dark Side has FORCE-LIGHTNING. What does the Light Side have? Turning yourself into a helpless ghost? Lifting rocks? And if you wanna go extended universe on this (which is never a good idea), THE DARKSIDE CAN CAUSE FORCE-WORMHOLES THAT CAN RIP WORLDS APART. Meanwhile, the Light side has such kickass powers as “animal friendship” – which looks like this:
Plus, the Light Side is full of lame-o Jedis who aren’t allowed to have girlfriends or show emotions ever. The point is, the Dark Side rules.
Mark Hamill is 5’9″. Not too tall or anything, but definitely not short. Hell, Jango Fett (as played by Temuera Morrison) – who was the model for ALL Stormtroopers back in the clone days, was only 5’7″. By those standards, Luke is actually unusually tall for a Stormtrooper.
Also, maybe Leia shouldn’t be making such sassy remarks to the people who have a floating torture-robot they can use whenever they feel like it. Or, ya know, a space station that can blow up entire planets.
Those were totally the droids they were looking for.
Posted by jayaye1587 on July 2, 2013
Most movies are about a guy who is love with a girl, but some movies do a truly terrible job making the girls that the guy loves seem at all appealing. Here are some girls we’re supposed to love who are actually terrible:
Zack Morris’ love for Kelly Kapowski was one of the driving forces of the entire series, and it never made any goddamn sense. Her character is a prime example of someone we were just supposed to be on board with loving for many years entirely because she was pretty. Prettiness can maybe buy you a year of believable infatuation, but beyond that, you really need some kind of personality. And Kelly didn’t have one of those. She was just a generic popular girl who never even laughed at Zack’s antics. Jessie Spano, on the other hand, now there’s a girl to get excited about.
Jenny is supposed to be a fickle, uneven character that embodies the social change happening in Forrest’s lifetime. Ok. But that doesn’t mean she’s forgiven for always stringing him along and ditching him, then keeping his child a secret until she’s dying. That’s not the kind of girl you want your main character to end up with. Also, you know, that whole bit about the questionable ethics of making sexual advances towards a mentally impaired man. We can all agree that that’s pretty messed up, right?
Billy Murray spends lifetimes reliving the same day in this movie, and, by the end he’s learned compassion and the ability to appreciate life and those around him. That’s all very good, but, this otherwise perfect movie has one big flaw: Andie MacDowell. The pursuit of Andie MacDowell becomes the focus around which Bill Murray improves himself, which makes it really annoying that her character sucks so much. Her personality is gratingly ernest and dull—she always toasts to “world peace,” ugh—and she’s completely won over by cheesy bullshit, like ordering the same gross cocktail and that whole thing with the ice sculpture of her face, which any normal person would find creepy. There’s no way a man who has experienced near infinite days would be satisfied by someone so bland. Then again, there’s probably no way he could possibly live a satisfying life once the passage of time started up again. This kind of thing will really fuck you up.
Every socially awkward guy in the world fucking loves her and every “unique” girl wants to be her. They should stop. Not only is Ramona Flowers not a loveable character; she’s not even a good character. Granted, this world is supposed to be full of flawed, aimless twenty-somethings, but her dysfunction is entirely defined by inconsequential quirkiness like dying her hair and rollerskating, but doesn’t actually have any depth to warrant her flakiness, irresponsibility, and that whole part about forcing a guy she doesn’t even seem that interested in to battle all of her exes. That’s a completely dick move, and Scott Pilgrim is a real wiener for going along with it.
Kim Pine 4 Life.
Katherine Heigl is the Andie MacDowell of the 21st century. We’re supposed to be happy for Seth Rogen’s character at the end of the movie because he has this lovely little family and a newfound life purpose. But we can’t be happy because fucking Katherine Heigl is the worst. This is actually a situation where the character probably wouldn’t be so bad in another actress’ hands, but she takes ambition and a no-nonsense attitude and turns it into nagging, fun-killing, don’t-do-drugs-with-Paul-Rudd awfulness. I’m sure that Judd Apatow would agree with me when I say that, if time travel were invented, but the catch was that it could only be used for one purpose in the entire universe, it should be used to recast movies that stupidly cast charmless insufferable actors like Katherine Heigl.
You might argue that this entire movie is incredibly stupid, and therefore, there’s no point in nitpicking the details. Well, you’re only half right. The movie IS majorly idiotic, but it also has a ton of funny characters and enjoyable plot lines, so it’s worth highlighting the fact that the main plot line, our protagonist’s life-long pursuit of this “amazing” girl, is complete shit because the object of his desire is a total blando. It’s not even possible to criticize her character on a more detailed scale because there is just nothing to her. Half of her screen time is her sulking on a couch. When the movie came out, the producers must have thought that Jennifer Love Hewitt was enough of a star that there didn’t need to be an qualifying characteristics necessary for the audience to love her as much as Ethan Embry did. But that Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-fan-club ship has sailed. If you watch this movie again, just fast-forward to the parts with Seth Green and Claire, from Six Feet Under.
You know you’re a shitty character when Shannen Doherty seems more appealing than you do. In fairness to Claire Forlani, Kevin Smith always writes terrible female characters, so it’s not all her fault, but that bad cover-up of a British accent sure didn’t help her seem like a less whiney, obnoxious, unloving jerk. She breaks up with a her boyfriend because he’s upset that she canceled the trip where he was planning to propose, in order to let her dad set her up with other guys. Also, her dad is way too much of a dick to think about marrying into that family. The next Thanksgiving after the events of this movie must have been a shitshow.
Rule 1: don’t fall in love with any woman who cheats on her fiancé with you.
Rule 2: don’t put Andie MacDowell in movies.
Posted by jayaye1587 on June 29, 2013