7 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding!

Daenerys is, like, 14 years old

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

Daenerys is in a rough spot when Game of Thrones begins – she’s the exiled daughter of a brutally-deposed king, her psychotic brother has arranged for her to be married to a nomadic warrior king who’s really into horses, and just look at how that name is spelled. She probably has to correct people all the time. But the real messed up thing is that she starts off the books at the age of 14. That’s when she’s forced into having sex with her new Dothraki husband. So – remember that cool Khal Drogo guy? He’s a child rapist. The show gets away with making this all seem not-creepy-as-hell because Emilia Clarke is in her 20’s (she would be a great-grandmother by this point in the world of Game of Thrones).

So whenever you get excited to see Daenerys nude in Game of Thrones, remember that Chris Hansen is going to knock on your door at any moment.

George R.R. Martin describes Tyrion’s penis for some reason

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

“Even his manhood was ugly, thick and veined, with a bulbous purple head.” (A Storm of Oh God Did He Just Write ‘Bulbous Purple Head’, Oh God I’m Feeling Nauseous)

Game of Thrones has a lot of mysteries – Jon Snow’s true parentage, Daenerys’ prophetic dreams, etc. But one mystery that no one was ever curious about was already answered: what does Tyrion’s penis look like? George R.R. Martin put that mystery to rest with one of the most unnecessary descriptions in all of literature.

Oh wait, he describes Samwell’s penis, too

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

“And suddenly his cock was out, jutting upward from his breeches like a fat pink mast.” (A Feast For STOP OHMAN STOP PLEASE)

Speaking of unnecessary descriptions of genitals that no one ever wanted to hear about ever for any reason – Samwell Tarly’s genitals! In erection form! Please, Sam, stab my eyes out with some dragonglass.

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN LITERALLY DESCRIBES A VAGINA AS A “MYRISH SWAMP”

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

“The queen slid a finger into that Myrish swamp, then another…” (A Feast For Inappropriate Genital Descriptions)

Someone needs to just ban George R.R. Martin from genital metaphors forever.

And he loves describing big, dark nipples

5 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding
  • “They were large and heavy, with big brown nipples.” (describing Ryman Frey’s prostitute)
  • “…studded leather vest, so absurdly small that it did not even cover his nipples.” (Strong Belwas)
  • “She gave it a gentle squeeze, then ran her thumbnail lightly across the big dark nipple.” (Taena Merryweather)
  • “She had high firm breasts with nipples the color of dark chocolate that hardened instantly when Sandy brushed them with his fingers.” (from Armageddon’s Rag, which is not Game of Thrones, but still by George R.R. Martin)
  • “On her huge breasts, all around the fat dark nipples, the last customer had left tooth-marks where he’d chewed her.” (from Dreamsongs, which is also not Game of Thrones, but COME ON)
  • “The round ripe breasts with their huge dark nipples…” (Arianne Martell)
  • “He felt her nipples stiffen as his thumbs brushed over them…” (still Arianne Martell)
  • “…was there ever a woman with nipples so large or so responsive?” (yes, STILL Arianne Martell)

There’s a scene where Jaime and Cersei have sex while Cersei’s on her period…RIGHT NEXT TO A CORPSE…IN THECHURCH (well, “Sept”)

5 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

That is a thing that happens.

Note: it gets so, so much worse when you know whose corpse it is.

The end note of A Feast For Crows

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

George R.R. Martin knew exactly what he was doing with his books. Until A Storm of Swords, that is. The longest period between books up to that point had been 2 years. AFFC took 5 years – primarily because ol’ MurderSanta was having some trouble with some complicated plotlines he referred to as “The Meereenese Knot.” So what he did was split the proposed 4th novel into two books – A Feast For Crows would come first, and then A Dance With Dragons. Both would cover relatively similar time periods, split up by geography and characters. At the end of AFFC, Martin claimed that A Dance With Dragons was nearly done, and would be published the following year.

It took another SIX YEARS to publish the book.

If you thought the Red Wedding was painful, you know nothing.

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Welcome to the Real World, Kid…

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Congrats on graduating…good luck finding a job. Just keep borrowing like Baelish and you might just have a chance to sit on the Iron Throne someday…

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And they will stay dead!! Well, at least some of them will…

Top 5 Swords Used in Literature or Movies!

Today’s Top 5 list is Swords used in literature or movies! There are ton of weapons out there used in hand to hand combat, especially in the fantasy world, and some even have names. Today, we honor those weapons that our heroes or villains use to uphold justice or destroy lives with. If you have a favorite character from any fantasy series (Aragorn, Gandolf, Eddard Stark, Eragon, Rand, Cloud Strife) chances are they have a weapon that also has a name. There are real life examples of swords becoming famous as well. William Wallace’s sword can still be seen in Scotland. There is a sword called The Sword of Mercy that is symbolically broken (Link here) that British Monarchs are still coronated with. United States Marine Corps officers are still given a sword:

“The oldest weapons still in service in the United States Armed Forces belong to Marines. Today, the swords Marines carry represent the Marine Corps’ rich heritage as America’s original defenders. Officers carry the Mameluke Sword, which was originally given to Lieutenant Presley O’Bannon in 1805 by a Mameluke chieftain in North Africa. Lt O’Bannon and his Marines marched across 600 miles of North African desert to rid the “shores of Tripoli” of pirates and rescue the kidnapped crew of the USS Philadelphia. By 1825, all Marine Officers carried the Mameluke sword in recognition of this historic battle—the Marine Corps’ first on foreign soil.”

-From The Marine Corps Heritage

So anyway, Swords are used for many things in fantasy. They are used to cleave peoples limbs and heads off, they are used for defense, they are used for symbolism. What are you favorite swords?

Here is my top 5 list of swords:

5. Hattori Hanzo sword – Uma Thurman kicked some MAJOR ASS in the two Kill Bill movies. She did it with the help of a man who swore to never make a sword again though, Hattori Hanzo. She convinced him that she would kill Bill with it, and he made her one all her own. After the Bride received the sword, there was nothing left in her wake but blood, guts and about 88 of the Crazy 88’s lying dead. The sword got her all the way to Bill, but she doesn’t actually even use it to Kill Bill. Doesn’t even matter, it is a bad ass sword.

4. Sting – A dagger to the “tall folk”, Sting was the sword found and used by Bilbo and later given to Frodo to use in his quest. It was an Elven sword that Bilbo found with 2 others, Glamdring (The sword used by Gandolf) and Orcrist (Sword used by Thorin Oakenshield). Sting was enchanted to glow blue when Orcs were around, which is super helpful when Orcs are out to kill you. Bilbo named the sword after fighting off some spiders in Mirkwood after the spiders called it “Bilbo’s Sting”. The sword survived two rather large quests and protected two rather curious creatures while doing so. For that reason, it makes the list.

3. Longclaw – Oh Jon Snow. Long Claw belongs to Lord Jon Snow and was given to him by Lord Jeor Mormont. It was passed down from Mormont to Mormont (symbolism) but Jorah clearly wasn’t worthy since, well, he sold slaves. So the Old Bear decided Jon was as much of a son as he will ever have and passed down the Valyrian steel blade to Jon. Since the pommel burnt in the fire that Jon caused saving Jeor’s life, he had it remade in the form of a white dire wolf. Jon then said wolves have claws just like bears, and kept the name of the sword to honor the Old Bear.

2. Anduril – Really brief history: The sword was called Narsil when it was used by Elendil and then it broke. His son, Isildur used it to cut the One Ring from the hand of the evil lord Sauran (and seriously, how did that even happen!?). The shards were returned to Rivendell after Isildur’s death. There, they waited until they could be reforged for Aragorn into Anduril, which means Flame of the West, and used throughout as a symbol of hope against the evil powers. Aragorn uses the sword to establish his credentials, as well as slay many Orcs and protect his little hobbit friends. A sword with so much history that ultimately helps end Sauran’s rule twice is a sword worthy of making anyone’s list!

1. Darth Vader’s Lightsaber – Ok, it doesn’t have a cool name, but the sword itself is steeped in history and symbolism. It certainly isn’t as a clumsy or as random as a blaster, but instead is graceful and elegant. The fact that it’s wielded by one of the most terrifying and oppressive figures in the galaxy makes it even cooler. And, oh yea, the color is blood red! We see a ton of green, blue and even purple light sabers in the Star Wars saga, but only bad guys (at least in the movies) carry red sabers, and Vader is the baddest of them all. Or is he? Isn’t he redeemed at the end? Doesn’t he choose to help Luke after Luke cuts his hand off, the one holding his evil colored lightsaber? Maybe the sword makes the person, not the other way around, just saying…

Honorable mention: Cloud’s Buster sword, Ice, William Wallace’s sword, Excalibur.

“Game Of Thrones” Actors Doing Normal Stuff!

1. Jon Snow wearing a shirt with Robb Stark on it:

Jon Snow wearing a shirt with Robb Stark on it:

2. The Lannisters being big goofs!

The Lannisters being big goofs!

Source: youtube.com  /  via: fanpop.com

3. Arya and Sansa taking a mirror pic:

Arya and Sansa taking a mirror pic:

4. Greyjoy and Snow jumping!!!

Greyjoy and Snow jumping!!!

5. Robb and Jon in suits!!!

Robb and Jon in suits!!!

6. Sam hanging with Dany and Jaime:

Sam hanging with Dany and Jaime:

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

7. Cersei hugging Theon while Snow embraces Dany:

Cersei hugging Theon while Snow embraces Dany:

8. JAIME PLAYING POOL WITH GREYJOY.

JAIME PLAYING POOL WITH GREYJOY.

Source: facebook.com

9. Cersei being silly with Tyrion!!

Cersei being silly with Tyrion!!

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

10. Snow, Greyjoy and Stark chillin’ by a pool!!

Snow, Greyjoy and Stark chillin' by a pool!!

Source: HBO Latin America  /  via: prnewswire.com

11. Drogo with Jaime and Dany!!!

Drogo with Jaime and Dany!!!

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

12. Cersei, Snow and Dany hanging out!!

Cersei, Snow and Dany hanging out!!

Image by Vera Anderson/WireImage

13. The Stark women blowing bubbles!!!

The Stark women blowing bubbles!!!

14. Robb Stark hangin’ with Dany:

Robb Stark hangin' with Dany:

Image by Frazer Harrison/BAFTA Tea 2012/Getty Images for BAFTA

15. OMG ALL THE KINGS AND QUEENS AND PEOPLE TOGETHER!!

OMG ALL THE KINGS AND QUEENS AND PEOPLE TOGETHER!!

Image by Getty Images

16. Arya, Sansa and Bran doing nostril things!!

Arya, Sansa and Bran doing nostril things!!

17. Sam touching Sansa and Margaery, whoa!!!

Sam touching Sansa and Margaery, whoa!!!

Image by Mike Coppola / Getty Images

18. Tyrion being silly while Dany and Snow make faces in the background!!!

Tyrion being silly while Dany and Snow make faces in the background!!!

Source: tvguide.com  /  via: emilia-clarke.ws

19. Stark and Snow selfie!!

Stark and Snow selfie!!

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games!

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

Game of Thrones Rules For Other Games - Image 1

What are some other game rules for other games to turn them into Thrones rules? Leave them down in the comments below!